Lessons Relearned

Today I am asking myself, how many times do I have to experience the same thing before I will learn the lesson? Do you think that every experience in life is a lesson, or are we just trying to find meaning in the sometimes meaningless?

I am ready to move on, can we turn to the next page?

Image source: artsyville

Accepting Your Limitations

I was sick the second week of swimming lessons, the week they placed us in the group that best fit our abilities. In the third week I was placed in the 10 meter class. I pushed off the pool wall and went right under until an adult jumped in and pulled me out. I was then placed in the beginners class where I was never taught to swim, you just kind of floated around in the shallow end for the whole hour. I’m not really sure who was in charge of the beginners class, but boy did they do us a disservice.

When I was in my mid to late teens I went kayaking with my Dad. I have no idea why I agreed to do it in the first place. Awkward from the start, I had to squeeze my plus size teenage body in to a life-vest, and swallow my dread that the kayak wouldn’t sink immediately to the bottom of the river once I got in it. There had been some heavy rain recently so the water was running faster and deeper than it usually was. I think I probably made it about a quarter of the way until I capsized. It was one of those slow motion moments where what was really only five to ten seconds felt like a lifetime. I was upside down in the kayak until I kicked my way out of it and fought my way back to the surface. I was done. I absolutely refused to go on any further.

I got back in my kayak and was towed by a young man who just happened to be the 9th or so place champion kayaker in the world. I joked about being the worst kayaker in the world. I’m fairly sure he bit his tongue and silently agreed! He got me to shore, dragged my kayak up out of the water and left me in what seemed like the middle of the country. I had to leave my glasses behind before we started off on the whole adventure, so I was quite blind. I wandered down a road until I came to a little house where a man and woman sitting on a porch offered me a drink and chatted with me until one of the kayaking employees showed up in a jeep to pick me up.

A couple of years later my Aunt introduced me to snorkelling, which I came to greatly love. Matt and I ended up spending many hours snorkelling together when he came to Australia. I still kept to the fairly shallow water because even as an adult I’ve never really learnt to swim. It’s on my list of things I want to learn to do one of these days.

I walked away from the kayaking experience feeling incredibly proud of myself. I know that most people might consider what I did to be quitting, plain and simple. I think I was proud to have at least made an attempt to do something so very far outside my comfort zone, and to feel complete confidence in admitting I wasn’t cut out for it. We can’t all be world champion kayakers, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't give it a shot.

Image source: beau-foto

Go For It!

A month ago I saw an advertisement for what was essentially my dream job. I wasn’t looking for a new job; I was just reading the newspaper. My heart leapt in to my throat and I of course immediately tried to talk myself out of applying for it. I talked with friends and my husband and was surprised when they all encouraged me to go for it. Part of me felt, how fair is it to apply for a job when you know that you will most likely be moving overseas sometime in the next six-twelve months? The other part of me thought it was too good an opportunity to miss.

The last time I applied for a job was almost three years ago, and I did not have a copy of that resume on my computer. So amidst a very busy week including a day trip by plane to and from another city with very little sleep, I had to rewrite my resume and a cover letter from scratch.

It was a surprisingly enjoyable experience. Coupling the enthusiasm I felt for the position I was applying for with the usually difficult task of talking about myself and just how great I am, I felt confident, I felt capable, I felt I could take on this job and anything else they threw my way.

If you think this is the part where I tell you I got the job and start on Monday, you would be incorrect. That’s honestly not the point. The point is that I took a risk, despite it not being perfect timing, despite not fitting 100% of the job requirements, despite the setback of not even having a resume and the pressing deadline for submission being immediately after the day trip.

I haven’t heard a thing back in response to my submission. It’s been a month and although it’s possible I still might hear back, I doubt it. But I’m still thrilled to pieces that I pushed myself to go for something I wanted. If I hadn’t, I know that I would have regretted it.  I'd far rather take the risk of succeeding than the certainty of failing by not trying at all.

Image source: icultist

The Land Down Under

Are you excited? That has to be the number one question that people keep asking me.  I honestly feel like I am reciting a recorded message when I respond to that now. It is really difficult to be excited about it when I’ve trained myself for so many years to not even think about it. The hysterical crying and desperate homesickness I experienced in my first year away from Australia made it so I had to find a coping mechanism or I wouldn’t be able to function. When I got on the plane as a newlywed at a mere nineteen years of age, I had no idea how drastic a change I was really making. Now at twenty-seven I’m heading back to a country I’ve never really lived in as an adult.

That’s right, we’re moving back to Australia! I actually did get a little thrill of excitement writing that!

We are still closer to the beginning of the process than we are to the end, but things are well in the works. We’re getting ready to list our house for sale in the next two months, and we are selling virtually everything we own. There goes my clutter problem! Although selling things is easier than it sounds. It is very difficult to let go of things.

As I was sorting through some of my boxes of keepsakes, I came across a little card from my best friend that contained a quote along the lines of ‘Friendships are more precious than possessions’. That is what I’ve been trying to keep in mind as I struggle to let go of things.

I am fairly sure as we do eventually find ourselves a new home in Australia, we will end up being much more conscious of our belongings and what we hang on to. Matt and I have talked about how despite loving having our own home, there is some appeal to the idea of having so little that you could just up and go on an adventure without having those deep roots, if you wanted to. One thing is for sure, I do not want to go through the paper work of moving to a third country!

Image source: dicktay2000

Vulnerability

It’s hard to know where to start when I’ve gone so long without writing at all. I’ve been doing some thinking about why I retreated, and I’ve come to realise that it basically comes down to feeling vulnerable. Too vulnerable to share what I’m really going through, perhaps fear of sharing that much of myself, or letting anyone else know the inner workings of my complicated mind.

A counsellor that I’m seeing told me last week that my personality type is very much all inside my head, as it’s a very safe and secure place where no one else can know what is going on. I found this a little ironic as so much of the time I’d give anything to escape what’s going on inside my head! Perhaps that’s half the problem. Does getting it out make it easier?

I cautiously want to say that I’m on the mend. I’ve been on an additional new medication for a few days that’s addressing my insomnia along with the anxiety and depression. I’m sleeping. This may not seem like big news to a lot of you, but I’M SLEEPING! It is big news. It’s beautiful deep sleep that I haven’t had in longer than I can remember.

Now part of me is worrying that this is one of the entries that no one is going to take anything from, but it’s a step towards allowing myself to be here again.

I just want you to know that I am here, I want to say I’m back, I want to be writing again, and like so many other things in life it’s really just about actually doing it.