Lessons Relearned

Today I am asking myself, how many times do I have to experience the same thing before I will learn the lesson? Do you think that every experience in life is a lesson, or are we just trying to find meaning in the sometimes meaningless?

I am ready to move on, can we turn to the next page?

Image source: artsyville

Vulnerability

It’s hard to know where to start when I’ve gone so long without writing at all. I’ve been doing some thinking about why I retreated, and I’ve come to realise that it basically comes down to feeling vulnerable. Too vulnerable to share what I’m really going through, perhaps fear of sharing that much of myself, or letting anyone else know the inner workings of my complicated mind.

A counsellor that I’m seeing told me last week that my personality type is very much all inside my head, as it’s a very safe and secure place where no one else can know what is going on. I found this a little ironic as so much of the time I’d give anything to escape what’s going on inside my head! Perhaps that’s half the problem. Does getting it out make it easier?

I cautiously want to say that I’m on the mend. I’ve been on an additional new medication for a few days that’s addressing my insomnia along with the anxiety and depression. I’m sleeping. This may not seem like big news to a lot of you, but I’M SLEEPING! It is big news. It’s beautiful deep sleep that I haven’t had in longer than I can remember.

Now part of me is worrying that this is one of the entries that no one is going to take anything from, but it’s a step towards allowing myself to be here again.

I just want you to know that I am here, I want to say I’m back, I want to be writing again, and like so many other things in life it’s really just about actually doing it.

How Do You Unwind?

I've been battling a bit of insomnia for the past two weeks. I've come to recognise that insomnia is a sign that I'm struggling with my anxiety. Part of me thinks that the longer I stay up, the longer I'll put off whatever issues I'm having. I don't really know how that is rational, but that's how I feel.

So I find myself going to bed hours after I should, then laying awake for hours after that. I think in order to function fairly well I need at least nine hours sleep. Most of the time I get four to five. I usually manage to grab one three-four hour nap on the weekend but that doesn't make up for all the lost sleep throughout the week.

I think if I am able to 'unplug' earlier and put a priority back on reading, that will help me sleep. I thoroughly enjoy reading, fiction and non-fiction. I actually enjoy reading so much that it was on my list of preferences in a partner! There's nothing quite like finding yourself drifting off to sleep while reading a good book.

How do you unwind?


Image source: ArtRocks

What About Me? A Call To Selfishness

"What about me, it isn't fair

I've had enough now I want my share
Can't you see I wanna live
But you just take more than you give."

Shannon Noll - What About Me

It was the night before I went back to work after a four day long weekend. I felt drained and exhausted, as if I needed another long weekend to recover. Depression settled on me like a heavy wet blanket. It dug in so deeply that it was obvious to a co-worker the next day, and it took me several days to shake it off.

I do not like feeling that way and I refuse to accept that as my lot in life so I needed to examine what had happened to bring it on.

I spent the entire weekend doing the tidying and cleaning thing. At the end of the weekend my entire house looked amazing, but I had neglected to look after me.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to experience joy in living. I deserve to be a little less selfless and a little more selfish. What woman hasn't thought what about me?

I know the responsibilities you have, I know it's so much harder than you let on. I know that sometimes you go to sleep wondering how you will make it through the next day. I know this because I feel it too.

Just think about this for a minute; your world will not end if you step away from it for a few hours. What would you do with a couple of hours off from your life? What could you do with as little as fifteen minutes? What does that look like?

gracehesterdesigns

Getting a haircut. Shopping the sales racks. Browsing the bookstore. Looking out the window. Turning up the music until I can't hear the world. Dedicating my lunch hour to going to the gym. Stealing an extra half an hour in the evening to work-out again. Going to bed an hour early to lose myself in a good book. Listening to music while taking a hot shower, and singing along.

I am relaxed. My heart sings. My mind is calmed. My body is soothed. I am happy.

Let's all be a little bit selfish.

Image source: Sheshm

On being an optimistic pessimist

This year I started wearing optimism coloured glasses. I am not at all an optimist by nature. When I was seeing a psychologist for my anxiety and depression, she asked me what triggered my anxiety. I told her that I felt anxious as soon as I woke up in the morning. We figured out that as soon as I woke up, I would imagine how the course of the day would go, anticipating worst case scenario. Of course I was waking up anxious! She asked me, how would it feel to wake up every morning and think ‘Today is going to be a great day’. Well that was quite a change!

It’s not that I wake up every morning now with a spring in my step or anything like that, but it’s a small shift of my internal thought from assuming the worst to remembering that the world is full of possibilities, and it’s up to me to make the best of all of my circumstances.

When I get caught in a downward spiral of anxiety I stop myself by realising that whatever it is that I'm stressing about, it's probably more imagined than real, it's a momentary thing, just breath and shake it off.

For me it’s also about recognizing the ordinary beauty of things and appreciating the little things. That’s one of the main things that struck me when I really started writing this year. The world is very interesting once you stop to pay attention to it.

Reverb10: Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

Image source: jurvetson

One Word for 2010 and 2011

Metamorphosis; a striking change in appearance or character or circumstances

I can't view myself as an outsider so I don't know how different I seem or appear, yet this year has probably been the most changing year of my life.

When it becomes more difficult to suffer than to change... you will change.
Robert Anthony

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.
E.E. Cummings

It is more difficult to hide who you are, then to be who you are. I'm imperfect. I hold myself up to an unattainable high standard. I feel dreadful guilt over all of my short comings. I'm often so crippled by anxiety and depression that some days I don't know how I'm going to make it to the next.

Having said all of that, I'm doing a heck of a lot better now than I was months ago! It's difficult to explain how I can say the above, and still say I'm in a fairly good place. Maybe it is that I have good coping mechanisms in place now, I recognise that many of above feelings are fleeting, and I know how to get myself out of that place.

Confidence; belief in yourself and your abilities.
a state of confident hopefulness that events will be favourable

For 2011, I want to become even more certain of the person that I am, to be myself without fear of judgement. Moving closer to who I really am and away from who I feel I need to be. I also want to have more confidence in the outcome of things, to spend less time worrying about the things I can't control. Events will be favourable!

What would be your words for 2010 and 2011?

Image source: Son of Groucho

Thanks to Belladorable for blogging about Reverb10.

If you haven't heard of Reverb 10, stop by right away and check out their writing prompts. Reverb 10 provides a new writing prompt for every day of December to help you reflecton this year & manifest what's next.

Pretty (Insecure) Woman

This week I had the opportunity to spend two hours with a dozen other women in their twenties and thirties, discussing our wants, needs and insecurities when it comes to how we dress ourselves.

The one thing that really stood out to me was how universal our insecurities are. I listened to a younger woman talk about her concerns about her figure and needing to cover up or hide certain areas of her body. Meanwhile, as the heaviest woman in the room I looked at her and felt a strange mix of emotions. First, envy, she was petite, young, attractive, dressed trendily, and yet she felt the exact same insecurities that I feel every day.

While I do sometimes struggle with feeling empathy for the woman who wants to lose ten or fifteen pounds, there is nothing to say that my feelings are any more difficult to bear than that womans. Others experiences do not diminish our own, and our internal dialogue can be debilitating.

Lately I've been consciously listening to the way I talk to myself. Depression comes with a whole barrage of self-esteem issues, when I am at my lowest I can't be bothered with makeup because I feel that it is a waste of time and that nothing could improve my appearance. Now when I look in the mirror and hear my voice silently telling me 'You look terrible', 'You're so ugly', 'Why do you even try?' I ask myself, is that what I would say to my best friend? How would I feel if I heard someone say that to her?

Horrified.

I can be much kinder to me when I treat myself like a friend.

Whether you have fifteen or eighty-five pounds to lose, the smaller number doesn't necessarily make your journey easier. Of course I am coming from a purely speculative position here as I am the one with the bigger number to lose.

Image source: Έλενα Λαγαρία

Living in the moment

There are times in my life when I long to be a child again. To be blissfully unaware of the complications of adult life, of the responsibilities. There are times when I long for someone to tuck me in to bed as snug as a bug in a rug and to be able to fall quickly and peacefully asleep without a worry in the world.

It is so hard to recapture that feeling as an adult.

Some might call it delusional, but for the past month I have been trying, for the most part successfully, to just live in the moment and let tomorrow take care of itself. Worrying is an almost lifelong habit that is incredibly hard to shake. What a useless habit! All that worrying does is blow everything out of proportion and make you think of the worst case scenario for any given situation. Is that any way to live?

Instead I am occasionally choosing to ignore the undone dishes and enjoy the weight of my sleeping baby in my arms. For a few short years she gets to enjoy that feeling of safety and comfort, and I get to enjoy being the center of her world. I love her goofy little smile when she rolls over in her sleep and opens her eyes just long enough to see that I'm still there. Meanwhile my first baby girl is quite grown up and independent now, but still comes running to have me kiss her 'owwies' better.

It won't always be that way.

Something You: 5 Steps To Remembering Who You Are

I posed this question to a Mums group, what hobbies do you have outside of motherhood? The answer was almost overwhelmingly unanimous, motherhood doesn't allow time for hobbies. Now, this could be because we all, for the most part, have children three and under, and many of us have had subsequent children in the past year. But for the next couple of years, and longer if we continue to have children, the majority of our time will be taken up with caring for our children.

It can be exhausting on so many levels.

Desana will be three in December, and Freya will be one in January. Desana still can't be completely trusted to play carefully with Freya so I'm limited in what unsupervised time I can give them (and thus what kidfree time I can have). My legs look like I haven't shaved in my life. Seriously!

I think it is very important that we hold on to some trace of our identity outside of the roles we are filling. Putting aside your roles as an employee, wife and mother, and retaining who you are. It can be very easy to forget, who was I before this relationship started? Who was I before this small life relied on me for survival? Do you remember?

Here are some of my thoughts on getting on to the path of remembering who you are (not what you are).

Make time for a hobby

This could be anything from running in the morning to reading alone at night. What was it that you used to do in your spare time before your responsibilities grew so big? If it isn't obvious, my hobby is blogging. It took me a long time figure out that this could turn in to a passion and sometimes I still feel as if I have to justify it. But it helps me remember and discover who I am and I am regularly surprised to find that other people are taking something away from what I share.

Schedule a regular girls night out.

Ideally my friend Shawna and I would have a night out every two weeks, but we don't always find the time for it. We have to make it a higher priority! Leave the kids at home with their Dads, or if there is no Dad around ask another friend or family member to watch them for a few hours. We window shop, go see chick flicks, drink hot chocolate, and occasionally sit in empty parking lots in the car chatting until we realise it's going on 11pm. Whoops.

Take care of yourself.

Take time for you, everything else can wait. Especially in this world. You can record that tv show and watch it later, your e-mails and Facebook will still be there tomorrow. Even if it takes easing your bedtime back by 15 minutes at a time (the way I had to with my toddler), give yourself more time to wind down at night. Maybe take a nice long hot shower (and get those legs shaved!) and a make little extra time to sleep. If you need to, ask for help with the kids bedtime routine in order to allow this time for you.

Nuture your relationship.

If you have a partner around, remember to take the time to keep the relationship between each other alive, and new and interesting. I know, it is very much easier said than done. Dates don't have to be expensive, you could rent a movie, make dinner at home, go for a walk, or tell the out-of-home babysitter that you are going to a movie but sneak home and have some alone time instead. Not that I've ever done that. Not that I haven't! ;)

Last but certainly not least... Stop trying to have it all together!

I think you would be surprised to find that even the most put together woman has moments of feeling completely overwhelmed. The day my psychologist told me that I don't have to have it all together was one of the most shocking and relieving moments of my life. I was holding myself up to an impossibly high standard and it was destroying me. If you need to hear that too, guess what? I'm giving you permission to not have it all together. Sometimes something has to give, even if it is your hairy legs!

Truthfully I struggle with all of the above. I'm as much brainstorming solutions for the problems in my life as I am hoping to give you some ideas.

What is it that you already do to remember who you are?

Image source: masatoshi_

In my dreams

Image source: Barbara Cannela

1pm. We just enjoyed a good lunch and the girls are down for their afternoon nap. I clean up the kitchen dishes, check on what is for dinner then settle down in front of the computer to do some catch-up work on my blogging e-course. Then I read some blogs, answer some e-mails and make some progress on some projects that have been in the works for way too long.

It's 8pm. Both kids are sound asleep in their room. I snuggle under a comfy blanket on the couch, sipping from my large mug of hot chocolate and enjoying a cookie or two. The perfect time to catch up on some pre-recorded tv or immerse myself in a good book that deserves my complete attention.

It's any darn time I feel like it. I get to close the bathroom door, turn on the fan for some noise and take a long luxurious pampering shower with no knock on the door, no distantly heard screaming or wailing.

Uninterrupted.

It's... a few months from now? Freya is easily walking and able to express herself enough to clearly indicate her wants and needs. The girls play happily with each other, easily entertained and safe to leave alone for more than a few minutes at a time.

In my dreams people, in my dreams.

A few months back as I started therapy, I started investigating who I was as a person, and what it was I was interested in, independent of the mother and wife gig. I asked an online group of women who I consider close friends, what it is they do that is a hobby. Almost without exception, they replied they don't have time for hobbies, motherhood is all consuming (my words, not theirs).

Motherhood is not an easy gig. If they warn you of that before you are a mother, you don't believe them. Or you do, but until it happens, you can't really comprehend it. You are on call 24/7. If you don't place priority on maintaining some sense of self, apart from your external roles, it can all get very overwhelming.

Desana has been waking up before me, and since she can open doors now even with the kid lock on, she gets in to all kinds of trouble. Recently I had put some teabags out on the counter in a nice little container to remind myself to take the time to enjoy some tea once in awhile. I no longer had the package and didn't know what flavour it was but the scent reminded me of roses and was absolutely divine.

That was until Desana made some for me.

Ingredients: 1 unsupervised two year old

two dozen teabags

glass cup

tap water

dishwashing liquid

Yum yum yum!

Reality is that it is 2:15 am and I am only awake because Desana is. Apparently midnight is morning in her books. I tried everything to get her to sleep but everytime she heard our door close she started wailing. So I took Freya out of our bed so there was no risk of her falling off with only Matt being there, and we've been hanging out ever since. Freya is still asleep, Desana is not. Me? I could be. Oh how I could.

I figured I owed you a blog post anyway. Wish me a sleep-in! I'm going to need it.

How to be Happy (when you are not)

Living with depression (for me) is like permanently suffering from PMS. When things go wrong my emotions can spiral wildly out of control. I am in a place now where I can recognise this. I put myself in 'time out' and spend a few minutes acknowledging the feelings, then grounding myself. Things are never as bad as they seem, once you put things in perspective.

These points are all personal to me, but perhaps you can find some way to relate them to your life.

1. My maternity leave is up in three months. I have three more months at home with my beautiful girls. Three months is a very long time. Imagine if someone told you they were going on vacation to a beautiful island for three months. Three months!

2. I have a job waiting for me to go back to after my maternity leave is up.I have a job when many people do not. A job that I do well, and am paid well for doing. I am paid well, when many people are not.

3. I am overweight. I have more than enough food in my house to maintain and gain weight (should I chose to).

4. My clothes are falling off me. My clothes are falling off me! That means I've lost a significant amount of weight.

5. Sometimes I feel really smothered by the 'clutter' in my house and I just can't stand it. I have been blessed with enough money to buy things I no longer need or have room for, and with friends and family who think of me. In turn, I can bless others with these things.

So you see, even though there are a whole lot of things I could feel unhappy about (you better believe there are more than 5), if I think about it, maybe the things that are troubling me are really blessings in disguise.

I am not a naturally optimistic person (although I married one), and I have a tendency to think of the worse case scenario for any given situation. I am however a work in progress. Life is a whole lot more enjoyable when you chose to see the things you've got going for you.

It turns out life is pretty damn short... and I'd rather it be sweet.

(image: Sterlic)

A Day In The Sun

Shawna has been an extra good friend to me lately, putting up with HOURS of my company over the past two days since I've been battling a bit of depression rearing it's oh-so-lovely head. Today it was so hot out we decided to take advantage of the dwindling summer (I suppose technically it's autumn out now, but our trees and temperature haven't really clued in yet... SHH!) and Shawna set up the kids pool in her backyard. It was fun! I am fairly certain Desana could have stayed in there all darn afternoon if we let her. Splashing away, perpetually drinking the pool water (just like she does with the bath water, dirt and bubbles and all - eeeyuk!).

I got a few pictures, but I'm going to admit that at this point I am mostly a point and click kind of picture taker. I have a fabulous camera that I bought secondhand from one of my lovely online friends - Zaira (check out her blog too!), I just need to dedicate myself to learning how to use it to it's full potential. Trust me, the longer I blog the pictures I include are going to improve. Ummm... you can remind me of that when they don't. ;)

Ok Mum, I'll give you a little smirk...

We got all packed up and waited outside, car seats and all for Shawna to come and pick us up. Desana was all ready to go in her swimsuit, hat and flip-flops. Man she is a cutie and a terror that one.

The reason why I apologised in advance for my picture taking lack of abilities is that the brightness factor on these pictures is INSANE. I'm going to fiddle with them in photoshop a tiny bit before I stick them in here, but aarrrrggghhh.

BFFs Bryna and Desana

I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but these little girls wouldn't look up when we asked them to, or if they did it wasn't co-ordinated! But you can see they are having lovely fun splashing in the pool with all the toys.

Freya with Auntie Shawna <3

Freya was being a bit of a grump and wouldn't smile for the camera.

Yours truly with the littlest grumpy munchkin

Not a fan of having my picture taken, but whatever. Here I am.

Bryna ended up needing her nap so I snapped some pictures of Desana and around the yard while Shawna was inside putting her down.

Delicious pool water

I know all parents think their kids are beautiful, but boy oh boy...

Isn't she just?

Unlike yours truly, Shawna actually had a genuine flower growing in her garden!

THREE genuine flowers!

I'm not sure what exactly they are, roses maybe? Beautiful no matter what they are called.

Though in one dark corner I did see a familiar face...

The much debated - but are they weeds or flowers?! Hah! I'm not the only one who has them. But it's ok Shawna, I won't tell anyone... except for all my blog readers...

We had a lovely day chatting away, and thanks to a suggestion Shawna gave me about perhaps just putting Freya down to sleep on the couch next to me instead of attempting to put her in the crib all the time, I've actually been able to write this post in one sitting. With two typing hands. Yikes! I could get used to this.

P.S. I also should add that Shawna gave me a gorgeous white wooden ikea coat hanger, so I've moved all my necklaces over to that and will be subjecting you to one or more photos of my necklaces, YET AGAIN, sooner or later. Thank you dear friend!

Depression: Four Months Later

Image source: http://www.scottliddell.net/

It's pretty amazing what a lot of therapy and the right medication can do in just four short months. Though the truth is, I find it almost impossible to believe it's only been four months since I sought help for my depression. But here we are on the other side, a place that at times it felt like I would never ever get to. I can't say that life is perfect, but then nobodies life is perfect and if they say it is then they've got to be lying!

The reality is that the ups and downs I experience now in my day to day life are just that, they are the normal ups and downs of day to day life. Sometimes, as I commented on my earlier depression post, just a few days ago, I will step into the shade but I'm not falling into the depths of despair anymore.

I am struggling to accept that depression is most likely something I will experience on and off for the rest of my life, but now I have some coping tools and ways of recognising when I am struggling. More importantly, I've learnt how to open up to those closest to me and ask for help when I need it.

One of my biggest breakthroughs in therapy was when my psychologist told me that I did not have to have everything all together. More than anything the pressure I was putting on myself to be the perfect mother and the perfect housewife was an high and unachievable standard. I'm not sure why it took someone in a position of 'authority' telling me that for it to finally get through to me, but it has.

I decided to retest myself using the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale. Back in March I scored a 21, and during the course of my treatment and other tests I took my score got as high as 37/40. Today I'm sitting at 8, and anything under 10 is considered 'normal'.

This is good. :) I'm out of therapy but if I ever need to go back, now I have someone to go to and feel no shame in asking for help.

Sunshine

Imagine Source: Tanaka Juuyoh

It's been a long long journey. I can't believe it's only been two months since I accepted my depression and sought help for it. I am doing so much better, still not at 100% but I haven't been at 100% for a long time so the improvements in my life have been drastic.

I have been seeing a psychologist once a week for awhile now, our last appointment was two weeks apart and now I don't go see her for another month. She's amazing. Being able to talk to someone who has no history with you, no judgement of you is incredibly freeing. She's very insightful and picks up on the little things I say and is able to explain to me why I feel a certain way when I'm not always conscious of my triggers.

Breaking my thought patterns will take a long time, but being made aware of the automatic processes in my mind does lead to them not being so automatic. I'm finding it easier to ask other people for help, and to communicate my thoughts and needs without always looking at myself for being weak for doing so (that's a huge issue for me apparently!).

Postpartum depression

Imagine source: Ben Fredericson

About a week ago I realised that what I've been feeling is more than just the usual ups and downs of adjusting to having a new baby. I had a break down and started feeling the urge to cut myself, which is an addiction I broke ten years ago and have only relapsed once in that time. I made a promise to my husband that I would never do that again, and that's a promise I intend to keep. Anyway, once I started feeling that extreme urge to hurt physically just to get the internal emotional pain OUT, I knew it was serious and not something I could keep trying to deal with on my own.

That night I did some reading about baby blues vs. postpartum depression and found out baby blues are considered normal for the first three weeks postpartum. Anything past that may be postpartum depression. Postpartum depression usually shows up around 6-7 weeks and can last from 3-14 months. Then I took the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale test and scored a 21 out of 30 for having postpartum depression (let's refer to that as PPD from now on so I don't have to keep typing it!), anything over a 10 is considered 'possible depression'.

So I 'came out' to a group of my online friends who pretty much unanimously expressed having felt concern for me and having wondered if I was suffering from PPD from the things I'd been saying. They encouraged me to speak with my husband about it which I did the next night. This week I tried two days to get in touch with a public health nurse to no avail, so ended up calling my midwife and speaking with her about it. She encouraged me to try get out of the house with the girls for 20 minutes a day and to get together with a friend who I didn't have to pretend with. She also said she'd tell the nurse that has taken me into her care along with the girls that I am having issues with PPD. I'm seeing her on Monday, so will have to get the guts to talk about it openly.

Acknowledging it has made it easier. I'm no longer pretending to myself that I'm ok. It helps me accept that what I am feeling isn't necessarily real, it's the depression. I have so much good in my life, two beautiful girls, a wonderful husband, a roof over our heads... but even on days when everything is perfect, I sometimes feel just terrible. There's a big black gloomy cloud over me with no reason to feel that way. I can acknowledge that, and I try work around it. My midwife told me to fake it until I make it. It doesn't feel like it right now, but I guess there is a point at which I will no longer feel this depression, so until then I can try functioning as if it's not there, while still acknowledging to myself that it is.

I feel a lot of shame which is ridiculous because if I was hearing this from someone else I would have nothing but compassion for them. When it's myself it's judgement. That's something to work on. My other worry is putting this truth out there, I'm afraid of the judgement from other people. The thing I need to remember is something one of my favorite Mum bloggers wrote recently:

"So: what other people think of me is none of my business. If I'm not spending all my mental energy wondering about what you think of me, I can figure out what I think of me."

- One Crafty Mother