Vulnerability

It’s hard to know where to start when I’ve gone so long without writing at all. I’ve been doing some thinking about why I retreated, and I’ve come to realise that it basically comes down to feeling vulnerable. Too vulnerable to share what I’m really going through, perhaps fear of sharing that much of myself, or letting anyone else know the inner workings of my complicated mind.

A counsellor that I’m seeing told me last week that my personality type is very much all inside my head, as it’s a very safe and secure place where no one else can know what is going on. I found this a little ironic as so much of the time I’d give anything to escape what’s going on inside my head! Perhaps that’s half the problem. Does getting it out make it easier?

I cautiously want to say that I’m on the mend. I’ve been on an additional new medication for a few days that’s addressing my insomnia along with the anxiety and depression. I’m sleeping. This may not seem like big news to a lot of you, but I’M SLEEPING! It is big news. It’s beautiful deep sleep that I haven’t had in longer than I can remember.

Now part of me is worrying that this is one of the entries that no one is going to take anything from, but it’s a step towards allowing myself to be here again.

I just want you to know that I am here, I want to say I’m back, I want to be writing again, and like so many other things in life it’s really just about actually doing it.

Hiatus

I love writing here, but it takes creative energy I don't have to give right now. I'm taking a self-care hiatus, hope to be back soon.

The Uphill Battle

I’ve been stuck for about a month now. Plenty of reasons, I don’t care to make excuses. I’m persevering, still plugging away at the gym despite feeling deeply discouraged. There are changes, I saw a picture of myself yesterday that was taken this past weekend, and I was shocked by my appearance in a positive way. Even as I stood there smiling for the camera, I was aware of the way my clothes were sitting, even pulling at my shirt hem in between shots. Apparently there was nothing to worry about, so that’s reassuring. I looked good.

I spoke with the dietician at my gym last week and will be getting a little extra guidance from her going forward. I really do believe that food may be the greater issue. I can deal with the required exercise, but staying on track with my eating is much more difficult.

We discussed my use of the phrase 'lack of willpower'. She was adamantly against it, saying that willpower has nothing to do with it; it's all about the circumstances in which you live in, what foods you have in your environment. I don't mind being given that excuse, that if it's there, you'll eat it, willpower be damned. It's just a matter of having good-for-you alternatives available when the mood strikes. Right? We will see.

Even though my flabby arms are an unavoidable side-effect of getting thinner, I am getting some muscle tone which is kind of neat. I really enjoy the weight machines, but I don't think I’ll be going muscle crazy any time soon (unless it gets rid of the dreaded flabby arms, hmmm!).

I still struggle with my judgemental side. I find myself glaring at thin and fat people alike, thin people because it infuriates me that they are at the gym, and fat people for a multitude of reasons. It's as if their appearance reflects on mine, the idea that if they are fat they must be lazy, ill-educated, unintelligent. It bothers me that I think this way about other people, it pains me to think that others might think that way about me.

On the positive side of things, I’ve managed to mostly silence my inner critic; I can quickly shut down harsh criticism and instead treat myself with kindness. It’s nice to not be constantly followed around by that bully any more.

It’s easy to look at the amount of time that has passed (four whole months) and be discouraged that I’m not as far along as I thought I would be at this point. But there are significant changes. I’m much stronger than I used to be, I find some things easy that used to be very difficult. I’ve dropped two clothes sizes. That is quite significant.

The only real deadlines I have are self-imposed, and I’m learning that I need to be more flexible, and more forgiving.

Image source: Aldo Cauchi Savona

30 Day Clutter Bootcamp

I often write about my struggle to maintain a balance between being a working mother and the things I want to do for myself. One of the bigger things I've been struggling to find the time for is continuing to declutter my home.

I've been reading an e-book called 30 Day Clutter Bootcamp. Tanja Hoagland of Minimalist Packrat wrote the 106 page e-book with the premise that if you can find 30 minutes a day to dedicate to decluttering, you can get rid of a lot of stuff, really quickly.

Along with continuing to write on my usual subjects, I'm going to dedicate myself to the bootcamp and share every step of my journey with you right here. You can just read along or you could also purchase the 30 Day Clutter Bootcamp e-book and read and work your way through it with me.

I want you to know that I wouldn't be sharing this book if I wasn't taking a lot from it. If you are hesitant to buy an e-book and wonder if you would take anything from it, it is good to know that the book comes with a 100% money back guarantee. I'm not asking for my money back!

I'm looking forward to sharing this with you!

Success, Defined

Words I strive to live by. :)

Image source: workisnotajob.