The Uphill Battle

I’ve been stuck for about a month now. Plenty of reasons, I don’t care to make excuses. I’m persevering, still plugging away at the gym despite feeling deeply discouraged. There are changes, I saw a picture of myself yesterday that was taken this past weekend, and I was shocked by my appearance in a positive way. Even as I stood there smiling for the camera, I was aware of the way my clothes were sitting, even pulling at my shirt hem in between shots. Apparently there was nothing to worry about, so that’s reassuring. I looked good.

I spoke with the dietician at my gym last week and will be getting a little extra guidance from her going forward. I really do believe that food may be the greater issue. I can deal with the required exercise, but staying on track with my eating is much more difficult.

We discussed my use of the phrase 'lack of willpower'. She was adamantly against it, saying that willpower has nothing to do with it; it's all about the circumstances in which you live in, what foods you have in your environment. I don't mind being given that excuse, that if it's there, you'll eat it, willpower be damned. It's just a matter of having good-for-you alternatives available when the mood strikes. Right? We will see.

Even though my flabby arms are an unavoidable side-effect of getting thinner, I am getting some muscle tone which is kind of neat. I really enjoy the weight machines, but I don't think I’ll be going muscle crazy any time soon (unless it gets rid of the dreaded flabby arms, hmmm!).

I still struggle with my judgemental side. I find myself glaring at thin and fat people alike, thin people because it infuriates me that they are at the gym, and fat people for a multitude of reasons. It's as if their appearance reflects on mine, the idea that if they are fat they must be lazy, ill-educated, unintelligent. It bothers me that I think this way about other people, it pains me to think that others might think that way about me.

On the positive side of things, I’ve managed to mostly silence my inner critic; I can quickly shut down harsh criticism and instead treat myself with kindness. It’s nice to not be constantly followed around by that bully any more.

It’s easy to look at the amount of time that has passed (four whole months) and be discouraged that I’m not as far along as I thought I would be at this point. But there are significant changes. I’m much stronger than I used to be, I find some things easy that used to be very difficult. I’ve dropped two clothes sizes. That is quite significant.

The only real deadlines I have are self-imposed, and I’m learning that I need to be more flexible, and more forgiving.

Image source: Aldo Cauchi Savona

Losing the Biggest Loser

Back in January I entered an online weightloss competition, The Blogging Biggest Loser. So many people entered that the final jackpot came to $2180. I had no intention of winning, and I didn't. Here I am, as a loser, and I'm saying losing isn't necessarily a bad thing; I've learnt a lot about myself in the process.

For instance, I know that on the days I step on the scale and the number isn't progressing in the direction I want, I don't update my online weight tracker. I'm dedicated to sharing my journey with you, but apparently not that dedicated.

The days I lose track of how many calories I've consumed, I also don't enter my food for the day although I often think to myself 'One billion calories!!!', and am sadly amused.

I know that I missed a few check-ins throughout the competition because I'd either had no progress that week, or I was up and too embarrassed to send in a picture of my scale showing a higher number than the week before.

I know that I use food to try to suppress negative moods, as if it doesn't 'count' under certain circumstances.

I know that I am still far from 100% dedicated to this long road that I'm on and I am easily distracted by little side roads.

I know that despite having a goal, that goal can sometimes be detrimental. I am trying to lose a big chunk of weight before having another baby. My weight has never been a complication in my pregnancies or births, but my last pregnancy was very physically difficult. If losing weight first could alleviate that, all the better. But... sometimes it just seems like too long to wait.

On the positive side, I know that I am not giving up. I am much better at accepting the backward steps I take and not letting a few pounds gained mean the end of the world.

So the truth is that I've somehow gained five pounds over the past ten days since I last 'weighed-in' on myfitnesspal. I expect most of that will go pretty quick, some being water weight, the rest being PMS eating. Yeah, PMS, first time in two years! Hooray!

I've been 'this' weight for a long time. If I don't deal with my root issues, nothing will really change. I'd rather lose it slowly and lose it for good than lose it all and gain it all back again.

So there you have it.


Image source: Matt Seppings

I Am Being Bullied

I ran in to a woman today who has habit of making my life miserable. She's incredibly rude and insensitive.

Here's a small sample of some of the things she said to me today:

• You look ridiculous
• Why do you even bother trying? You should quit.
• You look so bloated, it's disgusting
• You are a terrible mother
• You aren't smart enough for this
• You're never going to lose that weight

It's very discouraging and if it was up to her I'd probably never go anywhere or do anything, and I'd wear a paper bag over my head. Yeah, she's a real piece of work and the worst part is that I just can't avoid her, because she is me.

I wonder how many of us have such a cruel inner dialogue, and how do you go about changing it?


Image source: @boetter

Accepting My Mistakes

I was home alone with the girls. I ate mindlessly because it tasted good and I wanted it. When it hit me what I’d just done I felt disgusted with myself. I’d probably eaten the equivalent of the calories I should have for dinner, in the matter of a few minutes. I wanted to erase it. I didn’t want to face the consequences of giving in to impulse eating, which could be a bump in the road to weight loss, numbers going up on the scale, having to admit to myself that I had done that.

I was sitting next to the bath while the girls played and I thought about throwing up. I turned away from them and I did more than think about it, I stuck a finger down my throat and gagged. Then I stopped and looked over at my girls. I thought about the fact that they will one day be teenagers, and someday perhaps mothers. I thought about how I would feel if one of my daughters ever became bulimic and felt that they had to resort to throwing up their food in order to control their weight.

That wasn’t a good feeling.

I didn’t throw up. I still wasn’t happy with myself for having eaten food that wasn’t necessary or particularly nourishing, but I was happy that I was willing to accept responsibility for my actions. I was happy I decided not to throw up in front of my daughters, or in secret.

My daughters are a big part of the reason why I’m working on losing this weight now. They are young enough that they don’t judge people by their appearances. They are young enough to not be teased about their mothers’ weight. They are young enough that any bad eating habits aren’t yet ingrained in them. I don’t want them to remember me ever being anything but in a healthy weight range with good eating habits and an active lifestyle.

Sometimes I chose to eat food that isn’t very healthy for me. Sometimes I play the ‘I deserve this’ card to let myself eat something that I want, but don’t need. Sometimes I make the choice to just not care and eat it all anyway.

I won't let it define me.


Image source: Tanisha Pina

Yatta! (I did it!)

It felt extremely risky, like I was setting myself up for a huge disappointment. You can look at something and think hey, maybe that will work, but appearances can be deceiving. Still I figured at $9.99 it was worth a shot. So I pulled them on, zipped them up and felt a moment of pure elation. Tried on a second pair, hello again elation! Tried on a third pair and it was too big. Too big!!!

Size 18. I know that by most people’s standards that is an incomprehensibly huge number, but I haven’t been in a size 18 since I was 18 years old. I have had size 14 in mind as an end goal for a long time. I am starting to think that size is not only achievable, but just one milestone along the road.

I’m down two sizes now since the start of the year. Soon I might have the courage to start giving away my ‘fat’ clothes, because I’m not going back there. I say that with a bit of a squeak in my voice because I recognize that I am still at the beginning of a long journey, and relapsing is entirely possible.

Size 18 probably won’t fit just right until I’ve lost another five pounds or so, but I bought two pairs of pants, because again, at $9.99 it’s a bit difficult to pass up. It sure beats the heck out of paying $75 for a pair of plus size jeans.

You know, that means I really never have to shop at another plus size store ever again. Now I can buy tops and bottoms at Ricki’s (my favorite store!). While I still feel a bit like the fat chic in the skinny store, but I guess that is a feeling I’ll be getting over soon.

The elation is a feeling I could happily get used to. I feel it every day after my workout, a big rush of happy endorphins that makes me wonder why I didn’t join the gym years ago.

Image source: Alex Indigo

Battling with my whiny self

“…we must learn that to give in to the threat is to give it all of our power. When we shy away from the task, we strangle ourselves. When we face it with all the force of our dignity as women and as heroines, things change for the better, however slowly or simply.”

Erin Blakemore – The Heroine’s Bookshelf

I’ve been running up against a big wall of resistance and self-sabotage lately. My inner-dialogue can be very argumentative and ridiculously whiny. I’m trying to speak to myself with compassion, but also a little bit of tough love too. When I hear ‘But I want X!’ I have to respond with, ‘Yes, but I want Y, and that’s a lot more important than X.’

We’ve been looking at financial planning lately. I can see the similarities between it and weightloss, in that when you have a specific goal in mind, you might have to go through short-term pain for long-term gain. You have to consider, is it really that hard to sacrifice the bowl of ice-cream when it could mean reaching your goal weight in a shorter amount of time? No, not really. So that’s where I’m at. I’m by no means wanting to or planning on depriving myself from the yummy things in life; that would just lead to gorging. I am however trying to be more mindful and recognize that my bodies’ requirements (and goals) aren’t necessarily going to be filled by a bowl of ice-cream.

I have been tracking my calories but I wouldn’t say that I’m counting calories. I’m just being aware of what range I should try to stay within in order to lose weight at a reasonable pace. The awareness of how ‘bad’ a food is certainly changes my willingness to eat a whole ton of it.

Being publicly accountable for my weightloss has been a pretty smart move. It makes me more conscious of what I’m eating and less likely to eat bad things because I don’t want to have to tell everyone. There is a kind of enjoyment in declining the goodies that come in to the office. Home can be a little bit more challenging. Sometimes when the whiny voice comes out and Matt suggests a healthy alternative, I get very irritated. I guess that is the whiny voice having a tantrum!

I’m still fighting discouragement, still working on my acceptance that this will take a long time, trying not to be frustrated with ‘slow’ progress. I’m trying to remember that I’ve lost 22 pounds since having Freya; 9 of which I’ve lost since the beginning of this year. It’s not an insignificant number.

When I’m struggling with pain while working out, I remind myself that I am capable of more than I know. I encourage myself to just make it to the 25 minute mark, then the 30 minute, and so on; to take a deep breath and lift the weights one more time.  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…

Image source: Bobbi Miller-Moro

Hello Again, Skinny Jeans

I've had a good month but I am certainly struggling with my dedication. Is it the new years resolution thing losing it's oomph?  Or is it the realisation that the journey I am on is so long that I will need a huge amount of determination to keep on trudging?

This past month I lost 8lbs, 3" from both my waist and hips and I had to have my brand new smaller-than-usual sized pants taken in so they would stop falling down.

I looked in the mirror and saw my cheekbones.

I fought waves of anxiety leading up to my work out hour, worrying about the judgement of other people at the gym, looking around and realising that I was one of the larger people there.

I discovered the amazing rush of endorphins that come at the end of a long hard workout, and that working out can make you feel happy!

I discovered that I like to snack late at night, out of habit, out of boredom.

I watched the number on the scale jump up by five pounds after dining out the night before, then spent a week working off those pounds again.

I spent another week or two staring at the same number on the scale, wondering if it would ever change.

I finally got below the weight I had dropped to during the darkest depressed days last year.

I squeezed back in to my skinny jeans.

Image source: AleksandraGabriela

Stylish Blogger Award

I am continuing to struggle to find a balanced life between working full time and having a family (let alone any kind of life of my own!). I had thought I would be adjusted long before now! Right now my main priority is trying to get my sleep sorted as I am just not getting enough of it, and it's fairly essential that I do.

So for now, here's a little something light for you all. Recently two of my readers gave me the Stylish Blogger Award. I was so touched and flattered! The award comes with a few 'rules', so here goes.

All stylish bloggers must pass on the award:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award

It was awarded to me by both Kelly of Ever Kelly and Katerina of Happy Mummy's Blog. Please stop by and visit with them. :)

2. Share 7 things about yourself (this was so hard to come up with!)

• I dream of being a musical one-hit wonder
• I grew up within 15 minutes drive of the ocean and yet I can only doggie-paddle
• I also dream of running a bed and breakfast in the country
• I had chicken pox when I was 12 and am covered in scars from it
• I type at over 100 words per minute
• My hair used to be so long that I could sit on it, I had it cut when I was 18
• As a youngster I used to take rolls and rolls of photographs and would spend all of my pocket money on getting them developed and buying more!

3. Award recently discovered great bloggers

http://befrankwithyou.blogspot.com/

This lovely lady has actually hung out with me in real life (I know, it's shocking). She's supremely crunchy and enthusiastic about sharing her crunchiness. I'm really enjoying reading her perspective on things parenting and pregnancy related. Also, her name is Amy, so you must know she is awesome.

http://www.refindjoy.com/

Janelle is a fellow Blogging Your Way student. I was immediately drawn to the idea of 're:findjoy'. I will admit her blog has sadly been sitting on my metaphorical blog shelf, gathering dust until I can find a spare moment, but I am hoping to dig in soon and read all that she has to offer. Her message is positive and encouraging. I pursue happiness in my life and I think joy goes hand-in-hand with that.

http://entertogetwell.blogspot.com/

The blog of my dear chiropractor, Danella. This lovely lady saved me from disability during my last pregnancy and has been gently nudging me towards overall wellness ever since. I sure was proud to tell her I'd joined the gym this new year! She probably breathed a silent sigh of relief!

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

I will do this shortly!

I hope you all enjoyed learning a few new things about me, and hopefully checked out some of the blogs above. :)

If you are reading this through my blog you will notice I've added something new to the sidebar - a little weightloss tracker. So even if I'm not blogging about it all the time you can see how I'm doing by checking the number there. I will be sharing my experience of the first month of doing the gym thing shortly.

New Years Resolution for 2011

I recently shared with you that I have committed to confidence for the New Year, but the truth is that my real New Years Resolution is to lose weight. Oh, I know, that is so terribly cliché, but it really is what I'm going with!

Last year seemed to be all about facing my anxiety and depression, and while those two things are definitely ongoing issues in my life, I now know how to deal with them. This year, I need to deal with the weight.

Why? I have some serious motivators:

My health. Fortunately I've never had weight-related health issues but in the long-term it definitely could become an issue. Better to get it off now.

My daughters. I need to be a good example for them, to have the knowledge and ability to teach them a healthy diet and lifestyle, and I want to lose the weight before my girls are old enough to realise that I am overweight.

My self-confidence. I berate and judge myself harshly because of weight. I let it hold me back from doing many things. It's a huge drain on my self-confidence. I feel that my weight is the initial impression that anyone has of me, and that's just not fair. I do not want to go on being ashamed of my appearance for the rest of my life.

What I am doing about it? Check it out!

I bought a pedometer watch to track my activity and aim for 10,000+ steps a day.

I signed up for a three month membership at a gym in the building where I work. (Yes, I can renew it!)

I also signed up for the two month Pounds Off challenge that the gym is running.

I signed up for a three month online challenge called The Biggest Blogging Loser.

I’ve been working out for three days now, so I’m still not quite over the intimidation factor. Most of the people at the gym are either already in shape, or have a small amount of weight to lose. I feel anxiety over being larger than the rest of them, but at least if anyone does happen to look my way with judgment they can see that I am in the right place – at the gym, working out!

I also understand that everyone is there for their own reasons. Whether it's just to get or stay fit, or to lose ten pounds, I get that we are all on our own journeys. Mine is just a really really... really long journey!

Going forward these are my short-term goals:

Work out at least 4 days a week at the gym

Lose 5lbs+ a month

Get down to a size 18 pant (yikes!)

I have to say... I know that number is huge to most people, but I haven't been in a size 18 bottom since I was 18. The biggest excitement about that number is that I will be able to shop for my bottoms at Ricki's, which is my favorite clothing store and where I buy the majority of my tops. I think I will probably burst with pride on the day I can walk out of Ricki's with a size 18 pair of pants. That day will be soon!

It is very easy to become overwhelmed by the amount of weight that I have to lose, so I will just try and focus on small numbers and one little goal at a time. My goal is to lose at least five pounds a month. That feels extremely slow going to me, but if I am consistent with that pace than by January of next year I would be sixty pounds lighter, and that's a significant number. I certainly hope for more.

I'd like to share with you my current number, but I'm just not there yet. It's pretty silly because I know you all know that I'm overweight, it's very easy to tell, but it's one thing to see it and it's another to know the dreaded number!!! Regardless I want to be able to share my weightloss journey here because it will help me, keep me accountable, and maybe it'll inspire someone else out there too.

So how about it? Did anyone else set a New Years Resolution?

Image source: artsyville on Etsy

Pretty (Insecure) Woman

This week I had the opportunity to spend two hours with a dozen other women in their twenties and thirties, discussing our wants, needs and insecurities when it comes to how we dress ourselves.

The one thing that really stood out to me was how universal our insecurities are. I listened to a younger woman talk about her concerns about her figure and needing to cover up or hide certain areas of her body. Meanwhile, as the heaviest woman in the room I looked at her and felt a strange mix of emotions. First, envy, she was petite, young, attractive, dressed trendily, and yet she felt the exact same insecurities that I feel every day.

While I do sometimes struggle with feeling empathy for the woman who wants to lose ten or fifteen pounds, there is nothing to say that my feelings are any more difficult to bear than that womans. Others experiences do not diminish our own, and our internal dialogue can be debilitating.

Lately I've been consciously listening to the way I talk to myself. Depression comes with a whole barrage of self-esteem issues, when I am at my lowest I can't be bothered with makeup because I feel that it is a waste of time and that nothing could improve my appearance. Now when I look in the mirror and hear my voice silently telling me 'You look terrible', 'You're so ugly', 'Why do you even try?' I ask myself, is that what I would say to my best friend? How would I feel if I heard someone say that to her?

Horrified.

I can be much kinder to me when I treat myself like a friend.

Whether you have fifteen or eighty-five pounds to lose, the smaller number doesn't necessarily make your journey easier. Of course I am coming from a purely speculative position here as I am the one with the bigger number to lose.

Image source: Έλενα Λαγαρία