Yatta! (I did it!)

It felt extremely risky, like I was setting myself up for a huge disappointment. You can look at something and think hey, maybe that will work, but appearances can be deceiving. Still I figured at $9.99 it was worth a shot. So I pulled them on, zipped them up and felt a moment of pure elation. Tried on a second pair, hello again elation! Tried on a third pair and it was too big. Too big!!!

Size 18. I know that by most people’s standards that is an incomprehensibly huge number, but I haven’t been in a size 18 since I was 18 years old. I have had size 14 in mind as an end goal for a long time. I am starting to think that size is not only achievable, but just one milestone along the road.

I’m down two sizes now since the start of the year. Soon I might have the courage to start giving away my ‘fat’ clothes, because I’m not going back there. I say that with a bit of a squeak in my voice because I recognize that I am still at the beginning of a long journey, and relapsing is entirely possible.

Size 18 probably won’t fit just right until I’ve lost another five pounds or so, but I bought two pairs of pants, because again, at $9.99 it’s a bit difficult to pass up. It sure beats the heck out of paying $75 for a pair of plus size jeans.

You know, that means I really never have to shop at another plus size store ever again. Now I can buy tops and bottoms at Ricki’s (my favorite store!). While I still feel a bit like the fat chic in the skinny store, but I guess that is a feeling I’ll be getting over soon.

The elation is a feeling I could happily get used to. I feel it every day after my workout, a big rush of happy endorphins that makes me wonder why I didn’t join the gym years ago.

Image source: Alex Indigo

Sunday Snapshot

What About Me? A Call To Selfishness

"What about me, it isn't fair

I've had enough now I want my share
Can't you see I wanna live
But you just take more than you give."

Shannon Noll - What About Me

It was the night before I went back to work after a four day long weekend. I felt drained and exhausted, as if I needed another long weekend to recover. Depression settled on me like a heavy wet blanket. It dug in so deeply that it was obvious to a co-worker the next day, and it took me several days to shake it off.

I do not like feeling that way and I refuse to accept that as my lot in life so I needed to examine what had happened to bring it on.

I spent the entire weekend doing the tidying and cleaning thing. At the end of the weekend my entire house looked amazing, but I had neglected to look after me.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to experience joy in living. I deserve to be a little less selfless and a little more selfish. What woman hasn't thought what about me?

I know the responsibilities you have, I know it's so much harder than you let on. I know that sometimes you go to sleep wondering how you will make it through the next day. I know this because I feel it too.

Just think about this for a minute; your world will not end if you step away from it for a few hours. What would you do with a couple of hours off from your life? What could you do with as little as fifteen minutes? What does that look like?

gracehesterdesigns

Getting a haircut. Shopping the sales racks. Browsing the bookstore. Looking out the window. Turning up the music until I can't hear the world. Dedicating my lunch hour to going to the gym. Stealing an extra half an hour in the evening to work-out again. Going to bed an hour early to lose myself in a good book. Listening to music while taking a hot shower, and singing along.

I am relaxed. My heart sings. My mind is calmed. My body is soothed. I am happy.

Let's all be a little bit selfish.

Image source: Sheshm

Slowly She Goes

I've been thinking about why it feels so important to rid my home and life of clutter. I wish I had a clear answer but as of right now, I don't. I know that without clutter I feel like a weight is lifted off my chest, and my home feels lighter. I know that when my house is cluttered I can't enjoy the things I want to enjoy, because clutter is a distraction, and a detraction, it is 99 items on a 100 item to-do list.

The good news is that I am still moving in the right direction, if only at a snails pace.

We finally sold our corner cabinet that had been sitting idly on kijiji for months. That paid for our groceries this week.

This past weekend we donated two big bags of items we no longer needed. To be honest those bags had been sitting in my front closet for a few months. I kept making the mistake of looking in them and second-guessing decisions that I'd already made. That darn sentimental guilt is a kicker. But everything is gone now and the house feels a little lighter.

I also made the decision to give up on trying to sell the books we no longer want, and instead asked my friends if they were interested in them. That means that one out of the four boxes of books we sorted through has been set aside for various friends. It makes me happy to know that some of the books will be read at least one more time and not consigned to sit on a dusty shelf in a thrift-store indefinitely.

These are all steps in the right direction. It feels like I have had to shift my mindset. I know since I returned to work I've found myself immediately tackling the tasks I am least looking forward to, simply to get them over and done with. I feel similarly about clutter in that it is a huge daunting task that I could easily push to the bottom of my priority list, but instead I'm just working on it one little bit at a time.

I'm quite happy to take my small victories!

Image source: ArtRocksByKaren on Etsy

February Snapshots

Desana, three years old

Freya, thirteen months

Desana with two little friends

Beautiful baby toes