I was home alone with the girls. I ate mindlessly because it tasted good and I wanted it. When it hit me what I’d just done I felt disgusted with myself. I’d probably eaten the equivalent of the calories I should have for dinner, in the matter of a few minutes. I wanted to erase it. I didn’t want to face the consequences of giving in to impulse eating, which could be a bump in the road to weight loss, numbers going up on the scale, having to admit to myself that I had done that.
I was sitting next to the bath while the girls played and I thought about throwing up. I turned away from them and I did more than think about it, I stuck a finger down my throat and gagged. Then I stopped and looked over at my girls. I thought about the fact that they will one day be teenagers, and someday perhaps mothers. I thought about how I would feel if one of my daughters ever became bulimic and felt that they had to resort to throwing up their food in order to control their weight.
That wasn’t a good feeling.
I didn’t throw up. I still wasn’t happy with myself for having eaten food that wasn’t necessary or particularly nourishing, but I was happy that I was willing to accept responsibility for my actions. I was happy I decided not to throw up in front of my daughters, or in secret.
My daughters are a big part of the reason why I’m working on losing this weight now. They are young enough that they don’t judge people by their appearances. They are young enough to not be teased about their mothers’ weight. They are young enough that any bad eating habits aren’t yet ingrained in them. I don’t want them to remember me ever being anything but in a healthy weight range with good eating habits and an active lifestyle.
Sometimes I chose to eat food that isn’t very healthy for me. Sometimes I play the ‘I deserve this’ card to let myself eat something that I want, but don’t need. Sometimes I make the choice to just not care and eat it all anyway.
I won't let it define me.
Image source: Tanisha Pina
 |
||
Share it! |
Tweet it! |
"Like" Happiness is the Journey on Facebook! |
 |
||
