Devastatingly Yours, Mum

My three year old has started calling me Mum. It breaks my heart, I wanted to stay Mummy for much much longer.

Motherhood is devastating. It is a love that can not be accurately described in words. A fierce love and determination to protect, that for these little people, everything will be ok so long as it is in your power to make it so.

It isn't really in your power, but what can you do?

I remember the wrenching feeling when Freya was a few weeks old and something happened to her, causing a moment of panic and fear that she was hurt. That was the moment that I realised I did in fact love her, I cared about what happened to her and I wanted her to be safe.

My love for my second little one has been a long complex process. I had ongoing bleeding through the first and second trimester, always on the edge thinking I would lose her. It put a wedge between us that took a long time to overcome. In the final days of the pregnancy my fears weighed heavily on my mind. How could I love two children? How could I give them both the love and attention they deserved?

My doula reassured me that despite all my fears, my baby already knew that I loved her.

Now I am out of the house from 8am until 6pm most days of the week, missing big chunks of their lives. Some days when I come home I barely recognise my 'baby' who has turned in to a little girl. Then she still cries when I insist on getting changed out of my work clothes before nursing her, and more often than not she will fall asleep in my arms a few minutes later. Sometimes I envy that sense of security.

Meanwhile Desana pretends to be a baby, laying in my arms and saying 'agoo', the first memorable baby word Freya frequently said. Insisting that she is a baby, it seems to be her way of demanding snuggle time with me. Which is why while it may not be good parenting, some nights I let her fall asleep snuggling up to my side on the couch, as she tries to spend as much time with me as possible.

Whether it's Mum or Mummy, I'll be there for them as long as I can be.

Image source: Nina Matthews

Accepting My Mistakes

I was home alone with the girls. I ate mindlessly because it tasted good and I wanted it. When it hit me what I’d just done I felt disgusted with myself. I’d probably eaten the equivalent of the calories I should have for dinner, in the matter of a few minutes. I wanted to erase it. I didn’t want to face the consequences of giving in to impulse eating, which could be a bump in the road to weight loss, numbers going up on the scale, having to admit to myself that I had done that.

I was sitting next to the bath while the girls played and I thought about throwing up. I turned away from them and I did more than think about it, I stuck a finger down my throat and gagged. Then I stopped and looked over at my girls. I thought about the fact that they will one day be teenagers, and someday perhaps mothers. I thought about how I would feel if one of my daughters ever became bulimic and felt that they had to resort to throwing up their food in order to control their weight.

That wasn’t a good feeling.

I didn’t throw up. I still wasn’t happy with myself for having eaten food that wasn’t necessary or particularly nourishing, but I was happy that I was willing to accept responsibility for my actions. I was happy I decided not to throw up in front of my daughters, or in secret.

My daughters are a big part of the reason why I’m working on losing this weight now. They are young enough that they don’t judge people by their appearances. They are young enough to not be teased about their mothers’ weight. They are young enough that any bad eating habits aren’t yet ingrained in them. I don’t want them to remember me ever being anything but in a healthy weight range with good eating habits and an active lifestyle.

Sometimes I chose to eat food that isn’t very healthy for me. Sometimes I play the ‘I deserve this’ card to let myself eat something that I want, but don’t need. Sometimes I make the choice to just not care and eat it all anyway.

I won't let it define me.


Image source: Tanisha Pina

Co-Sleeping: A Tale of Two Babies

The following is the story of our co-sleeping experience as of November 2010 and was originally published in The Birth Vine - a quarterly Journal of Shared Birth and Parenting Wisdom by The Manitoba Association for Childbirth and Family Education. Re-published here with permission.

I have been a mother for going on three years, and I continue to discover on a daily basis that motherhood is something you should go in to with no expectations or assumptions about what the experience with each child will be like. Our children are not carbon copies of each other; they are distinct separate little beings with different personalities and needs.

Our first daughter Desana slept in our bed until she was fifteen months old. It was an economical choice to co-sleep as money was tight and initially we couldn’t afford to buy her a crib. It was a matter of survival as it meant I was able to get the most sleep while she nursed in bed beside me. Once I started working when she was six months old, co-sleeping became our way of catching up on all of the daytime hours we had spent apart.

One of the first things we did after finding out we were pregnant again was to buy a king size bed. We knew that this baby would more than likely be co-sleeping with us again and wanted to have the space for that to be as easy as possible. After Freya was born I decided to try and keep her close by in a bassinet, but after the first few weeks she ended up in bed with us all the time. I also planned to have her in the crib by six months, and here we are now at 10 months, still co-sleeping.

One of the biggest differences between my daughters and our co-sleeping experiences is that Desana would stay latched and nibbling all night, and was extremely unhappy if I tried to get her to sleep unlatched. Freya nurses until she is done then unlatches, rolls over and falls asleep.

Different children, different experiences.

I’m learning that it is ok to have mixed feelings about the mothering experience and the choices you make. There is no clear right way to do things, what works for one parent might go against everything you believe about parenting. It is also ok to change your mind about something if it just isn’t working for you. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt as a mother is that we are all just figuring it out as we go along. It’s ok to not have it all together.

I’ve tried more times than I can remember to try get Freya to sleep in her crib, but in the end my desire to be sleeping always wins out over my desire to be sleeping alone. I enjoy waking up in the morning with my baby next to me, listening to her morning chatter and kissing and tickling her chubby little self. I like being able to place my hand on her for reassurance during the night when I get stricken by the fear that maybe she’s not breathing. I don’t even mind it when her little toes dig in to my back while I’m trying to sleep!

Desana is about to turn three and Freya will be one the month after that. Before I know it she will be much too busy discovering the world to stop for cuddles. I know that she won’t always need me the way that she does now. It probably won’t be this week, perhaps next month, or sometime next year, but sooner or later she’ll be ready to be in her own bed.

I think I can handle co-sleeping for a little bit longer.

Amy Stewart is a mother of two who finds beauty and happiness in her ordinary life at www.happinessisthejourney.com

The Diaper Bag for Multiple Kids in Cloth Diapers

I recently noticed that a lot of people find my blog by using a search term such as 'good diaper bag for two kids in cloth'. I don't think that I have ever shared with you the diaper bag that I use, so here is your answer.

My current diaper bag is the Mrs Smith Tempo diaper bag. It's a big bag and a great match for a mother of multiple kids in cloth diapers. The top half easily fits half a dozen cloth diapers (I use swaddlebees one size cloth diapers, so they are fairly large).

There is a back pocket on the outside of the bag that I put my wallet in, two side pockets that are the perfect size for keys and cellphone, and two side pockets for sippies or water bottles.

It has a really neat feature that I've never seen in any other diaper bag, the bottom half of the bag contains a pull out drawer with three sections that I use to keep little containers with baby food, cheerios, and bibs in.

One of the best features in my opinion is that the top flap zips up on either side and then has a velcro closure, so you don't have the trouble of the bag falling over in the car and everything falling out. That was a huge problem with my previous diaper bag.

It also converts to a back-pack although I've yet to try that. It's priced at $64.99 on mrssmithsbags.com and I paid about $35 for it when it was on babyhalfoff.com. It is also available in different colors and prints.

So there you have it. I hope that is helpful to someone out there who is looking for a great diaper bag for kids in cloth diapers!

You might also like to read this post: Two kids in cloth diapers

Why SEEING breastfeeding is important

I don't feel as if I write too often on parenting issues such as breastfeeding, but this is a subject I feel strongly enough about to share the following. This is a repost of a note by Emma Kwasnica on Facebook.

I'd just like to talk a bit about the bigger picture here for a moment, in that by Facebook taking this stance against breastfeeding images, and by creating such arbitrary obscenity guidelines as "no exposed areola or nipple may be shown" (I have seen many, many women whose areola covers up to a third or more of their entire breast - a baby's mouth could never come close to "covering" it all!), it is stigmatizing breastfeeding women, and shaming women into thinking that their breasts are much, much less than the amazing life-giving source they are. Nipplephobia has reached epic proportions here in North America, and this is to the supreme detriment of babies everywhere.

Just think for one moment, how many more women would breastfeed, or for how much longer, if only we rid society of the harmful practice of over-sexualizing women's breasts! And how much this, in turn, could benefit BABIES. For whose voice do the most vulnerable members of society have, if not ours? Interestingly, we find cultures around the world where women's breasts are seen *only* in their functioning capacity, i.e., that of nourishing and comforting their young. I believe that we can get there, too (or at least try to find some balance), but we have to start somewhere, and I truly feel that there is never any harm to come from challenging the status quo (you're not surprised, I know ;-) ).

I've said this before, and I'll say it again : as a childbirth professional, but also as a woman, in general, it is absolutely crucial that one support ALL women to breastfeed their young. While you, personally, may have your own code of "decency" for how much skin YOU are comfortable showing while breastfeeding, it is important that you do not impose your own, completely arbitrary line drawn in the sand regarding "modesty" or "discreetness", onto any other breastfeeding mother. Period. Just like a woman who wants to cover up should be supported (and generally IS in our society....), we need to support those women who struggle --or those women who do not want, or care-- to cover their baby and their breast, and make life simpler for these women to, first and foremost, feed and comfort the baby!

Quite simply, this is about normalizing breastfeeding. The more we hide it away, classify it as obscene, shame mothers into covering up while feeding, and encourage women to retire to "private" rooms in order to breastfeed the baby, the less we see of it in public, and the less and less people are comfortable with the very idea of nursing in public. This is the sad reality, in this pathologically hyper-sexualized (yet sexually repressed...) North American culture of ours. The solution, however, seems quite simple to me; breastfeeding (and/or images of breastfeeding) need to be seen every day, and I am convinced that SEEING more breastfeeding, wherever possible, is what will change our breastfeeding culture. Re-normalize it. Everywhere in North America (in all provinces in Canada, and in every state in the USA but two) women have the right to breastfeed in public, wherever they have the legal right to be. So women should do it. And they should feel completely free to do it. Lots of it. As much as possible.

If you want to be a part of the solution, here is one, simple thing you can do, each and every time you see a mother breastfeeding her baby in public : yes, give her a great, big smile, but don't stop there --go right *up* to her, and tell her what a wonderful thing she is doing for her child. I guarantee you, that if we all did even this simple gesture every time we saw a woman nursing in public, the tides would begin to turn.

I would also like to suggest in your daily life (outside the 'net), that you get out there and nurse your children in public. And do so with a huge smile across your face. Pretty hard for onlookers to say, feel, or do something negative in the face of a beaming, breastfeeding mother --n'est-ce pas?

Breastfeeding is normal. Normal. NORMAL. Say it, do it, show it.

Will you start by doing these simple acts right today? Indeed, I challenge you.

Warm regards,

~Emma Kwasnica

Emma Kwasnica & her family at the 2008 Montréal Breastfeeding Challenge. This photo and article were published in Le Journal de Montréal, a major daily francophone newspaper.

If a North American city of 2.5 million can handle this in their daily paper, why can't Facebook?

(oh, and before you pass inane judgment, and tell me these kids are "too old to nurse", please read this and get educated/get your head out of the gutter: A Natural Age of Weaning)

Pushing Past My Comfort Zone

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to join some local women from the Manitoba chapter of Human Milk 4 Human Babies to be interviewed for a feature on CTV Winnipeg.

Human Milk 4 Human Babies (HM4HB) is a global network represented by community pages for each state/province/country. These pages provide a space where families in need can connect with women who have milk to share. HM4HB affirms that human milk is the biological norm for human infants and children. HM4HB does not support the sale of human milk.

I enjoyed several hours in the company of like-minded women that I had never met before. It was great fun to discover that we were all homebirth advocates! I don't know any other women who homebirth in my circle of friends, so it was fun to exchange our stories and experiences. We are looking forward to getting together again.

Follow this link to read the news article and watch the news story on Manitoba moms making breast milk connections online. The video is just to the right of the article. I wasn't interviewed but can be seen holding Freya on the couch.

I haven't yet had the opportunity to milk share but it is a cause I support and I was happy to be seen there as a supporter.

In other exciting news, this week I received my copy of The Birth Vine, the issue in which I contributed a one page article on co-sleeping. Exciting! I look forward to participating again in the future.

Participating in the CTV feature and submitting an article for The Birth Vine were both so out of my comfort zone. I pushed through the fear and am really pleased to have done so. I mentioned a few weeks ago that my chosen word for 2011 is Confidence, so that's the direction I'm headed in.

Stronger Than She Knows

January 21, 2010, 9:50pm; Freya's birth.

Body takes over. Body knows what she's doing; you couldn't stop her if you tried. You blurt out 'The baby's coming!' as she bears down with a pressure and power beyond your control, a strength you didn't know she had, strength that amazes you as the intense pressure propels the baby in to the world quicker than you expected. Hands pull you down to the floor, helping, encouraging, aiding. The baby is already there, quick words of encouragement and baby rushes in to the world with a big splash of amniotic fluid.

Body and mind pull apart, shock at the swift delivery, confusion at the pain anticipated but never felt, disorientation. Baby slides across the waterproof mats on the floor, a newborn slip-and-slide. Hands exam baby, happy reassurances. His voice breaks through your confusion, "Why aren't you looking at the baby?". World noises come rushing in and you hear yourself voice what your body is feeling "That was so strange...". You turn to baby who is screaming, so unlike the last baby, you ask for reassurances that she is ok, then reassurances that she is indeed a she. She is, and she's perfect, and she looks exactly like her sister did.

The roar of the world reminds you of when as a child you would float in the bath, your ears submerged, listening to the dull clunk of the cup clanging against the side of the bath. Lifting your head the water rushes out, the world rushes in.

Reverb 10: Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

Image Source: Ell Brown

More Mommy Necklaces for this Mummy

Every time I find myself making a post about jewelry I can't help but laugh. I'm really not a big jewellery person but it sure doesn't seem that way!

Anyone who knows me in the real world could tell you that every time they see me I am wearing a Mommy Necklace. I can say right up front that I am not being paid to write about this, I just LOVE my Mommy Necklaces.

A few weeks back MamaBargains had some Mommy Necklaces on for 50% off and I snatched up three! One was a color I'd been wanting for awhile (Posh - purple, of course) and the other two were mostly impulse purchases. Happily they arrived in the mail today. These three new necklaces bring my total Mommy Necklace collection to... wait for it... SEVEN! That means I can literally wear a different necklace every day!

My favorite styles are the dangling donuts because I find them fun to play with, they're great for keeping Freya busy while she's nursing or being carried in the ergo, and I love the 28" length.

Left to right: Urban, Twilight, Posh

The best thing about these necklaces is that they are so darn kid proof. If tugged on they just unlatch rather than being broken or beads scattering everywhere. Extra bonus for me since I'm naturally clumsy and perhaps even more likely to break things than my kids are!

The Twilight necklace is a different design where the dangling donut can actually come off so the necklace can be worn in two different styles.

It's nice to have a few more options to spice up my regular Mum-wear. :)

Living in the moment

There are times in my life when I long to be a child again. To be blissfully unaware of the complications of adult life, of the responsibilities. There are times when I long for someone to tuck me in to bed as snug as a bug in a rug and to be able to fall quickly and peacefully asleep without a worry in the world.

It is so hard to recapture that feeling as an adult.

Some might call it delusional, but for the past month I have been trying, for the most part successfully, to just live in the moment and let tomorrow take care of itself. Worrying is an almost lifelong habit that is incredibly hard to shake. What a useless habit! All that worrying does is blow everything out of proportion and make you think of the worst case scenario for any given situation. Is that any way to live?

Instead I am occasionally choosing to ignore the undone dishes and enjoy the weight of my sleeping baby in my arms. For a few short years she gets to enjoy that feeling of safety and comfort, and I get to enjoy being the center of her world. I love her goofy little smile when she rolls over in her sleep and opens her eyes just long enough to see that I'm still there. Meanwhile my first baby girl is quite grown up and independent now, but still comes running to have me kiss her 'owwies' better.

It won't always be that way.

Something You: 5 Steps To Remembering Who You Are

I posed this question to a Mums group, what hobbies do you have outside of motherhood? The answer was almost overwhelmingly unanimous, motherhood doesn't allow time for hobbies. Now, this could be because we all, for the most part, have children three and under, and many of us have had subsequent children in the past year. But for the next couple of years, and longer if we continue to have children, the majority of our time will be taken up with caring for our children.

It can be exhausting on so many levels.

Desana will be three in December, and Freya will be one in January. Desana still can't be completely trusted to play carefully with Freya so I'm limited in what unsupervised time I can give them (and thus what kidfree time I can have). My legs look like I haven't shaved in my life. Seriously!

I think it is very important that we hold on to some trace of our identity outside of the roles we are filling. Putting aside your roles as an employee, wife and mother, and retaining who you are. It can be very easy to forget, who was I before this relationship started? Who was I before this small life relied on me for survival? Do you remember?

Here are some of my thoughts on getting on to the path of remembering who you are (not what you are).

Make time for a hobby

This could be anything from running in the morning to reading alone at night. What was it that you used to do in your spare time before your responsibilities grew so big? If it isn't obvious, my hobby is blogging. It took me a long time figure out that this could turn in to a passion and sometimes I still feel as if I have to justify it. But it helps me remember and discover who I am and I am regularly surprised to find that other people are taking something away from what I share.

Schedule a regular girls night out.

Ideally my friend Shawna and I would have a night out every two weeks, but we don't always find the time for it. We have to make it a higher priority! Leave the kids at home with their Dads, or if there is no Dad around ask another friend or family member to watch them for a few hours. We window shop, go see chick flicks, drink hot chocolate, and occasionally sit in empty parking lots in the car chatting until we realise it's going on 11pm. Whoops.

Take care of yourself.

Take time for you, everything else can wait. Especially in this world. You can record that tv show and watch it later, your e-mails and Facebook will still be there tomorrow. Even if it takes easing your bedtime back by 15 minutes at a time (the way I had to with my toddler), give yourself more time to wind down at night. Maybe take a nice long hot shower (and get those legs shaved!) and a make little extra time to sleep. If you need to, ask for help with the kids bedtime routine in order to allow this time for you.

Nuture your relationship.

If you have a partner around, remember to take the time to keep the relationship between each other alive, and new and interesting. I know, it is very much easier said than done. Dates don't have to be expensive, you could rent a movie, make dinner at home, go for a walk, or tell the out-of-home babysitter that you are going to a movie but sneak home and have some alone time instead. Not that I've ever done that. Not that I haven't! ;)

Last but certainly not least... Stop trying to have it all together!

I think you would be surprised to find that even the most put together woman has moments of feeling completely overwhelmed. The day my psychologist told me that I don't have to have it all together was one of the most shocking and relieving moments of my life. I was holding myself up to an impossibly high standard and it was destroying me. If you need to hear that too, guess what? I'm giving you permission to not have it all together. Sometimes something has to give, even if it is your hairy legs!

Truthfully I struggle with all of the above. I'm as much brainstorming solutions for the problems in my life as I am hoping to give you some ideas.

What is it that you already do to remember who you are?

Image source: masatoshi_

Fall Interlude

Things have felt so hectic lately around this house although nothing out of the ordinary has really been happening. Thank you for your comments so far on my design dilemma. I have lots of ideas floating around in my head and would love to add some more ideas to the mix.

I am truly too worn out for any thing more today, so here are a couple of shots of the fall we have been enjoying on our new porch.

Desana is always trying to make a run for it, but if she goes off the porch unaccompanied that means we go inside right away (and the whole street hears the tantrum - hi neighbours!)

I haven't mentioned this lately (because I didn't want to test my luck?!) but this little munchkin has been doing pretty damn good with the toilet training. She's in panties all day now, usually manages without no accidents. I gave up trying with the potty but when I moved the baby gate back past the bathroom door she started showing interest in using the toilet - and it seems that being a 'big girl' who goes on the toilet has been motivation enough! Maybe at this rate I will avoid having the three year old girl who isn't toilet trained.

Surviving severe morning sickness (Hyperemesis Gravidarum)

Before I share my tips and suggestions with you, let me give you a little bit of background story on my experiences.

Unless you have suffered from severe morning sickness, or Hyperemesis Gravidarum, it might be difficult to imagine what would lead any woman, let alone a woman who has struggled with infertility for years to consider terminating a pregnancy. Having been that woman I can see how it is possible.

With both my girls I suffered pretty severe morning sickness. With Desana I probably should have been hospitalized, but at the time I was still going through the immigration process of getting my Permanent Residence in Canada, therefore I had no medical coverage. A stay in the hospital would have cost us thousands of dollars. One day I was fine, then the next day I woke up and that was it. When the morning sickness peaked at about 9 weeks I remember laying in bed and wishing that either myself or the baby would die. I’d never felt so sick in my entire life. I've heard it compared to suffering from food poisoning - that lasts for weeks or months. I spent all day every day being violently ill. I spent months in bed or just lying on the couch watching television with a bucket on the floor next to me. I would have to guzzle down water between heaves to keep from dry heaving or throwing up bile. I lost 18 lbs. The morning sickness finally lessened at around 16 weeks.

Now I do of course love Desana to pieces, but the experience left me feeling very worried about what would happen during my next pregnancy, especially as I knew I would be working. One of the first symptoms that I was pregnant with Freya was sudden nausea one evening when I was about a week past ovulation (three weeks pregnant). Within three days I just knew, and tested for confirmation. The next morning I called my midwife and told her right away, so that if I needed medication to deal with the morning sickness I would be able to get it.

At four weeks even the morning sickness started. I spent one day being violently ill and I knew that if that kept up I would not be able to work. I think Matt had somehow forgotten what it was like when I was pregnant with Desana, because he told me if being pregnant made me that sick we were done having kids. Thankfully that was the only day I was that extremely ill and from then on I was able to be sick before my morning bus ride, hold it for the 20-30 minutes then be sick at work. Over and over again! To this day I have no idea how they didn’t figure out I was pregnant until I told them! With Freya I lost 13lbs. The morning sickness peaked at about 15 weeks, lasted until about 20 weeks then lessened to where I was only sick about 3 times a week, not 5+ times a day for the duration of the pregnancy. It was less violent than with Desana, but much longer lasting.

Now that you've read my 'credentials', let's move on to the part where maybe I can help someone out there. Taking note that I’ve not yet used medication for dealing with morning sickness, I do not believe that there are any absolute cures. However, there are a number of things that can help.

Here is what helped me.

• Ginger tea – Stock up! The morning after I found out I was pregnant with Freya I went straight to a health food store and bought a few boxes of ginger tea. Ginger tea is good for motion sickness and morning sickness. It helps settle the stomach. Also ginger cookies or ginger flavored hard candy if you can find any. The best thing about the tea is that it’s not unusual for anyone to drink tea, so if you’re drinking it around other people they aren’t automatically going to jump to the conclusion that you are pregnant. Interestingly enough my doula made me some ginger tea during my labour with Freya once I started feeling nauseated during transition. She gave me sips from a spoon in-between contractions and I ended up avoiding being sick.

• Saltines – Tried and true, they really do work. I had them stashed everywhere – my bedside table, purse, desk drawer. The only disadvantage being that they make lots of crumbs – both my work desk and my bed ended up filled with them! But that’s preferable to the alternative.

• Hard candy – Having candy to suck on is a big help. I’ve heard people suggest a peppermint flavor. However I do not recommend choosing a type of candy or flavor that you already love because you are going to associate that flavor with morning sickness for the rest of your life. Trust me, and no thank you but I’ll pass on the strawberry campinos!

• Sea-Bands – These are wrist bands that you put over an acupressure point on your wrists and it is supposed to lessen nausea, dizziness or morning sickness. The only difficulty with these is that since they are worn on your wrists, it is not at all discreet. Depending on what season it is when you are experiencing morning sickness you may be able to wear long sleeves to hide them. I only wore them for a short time because they are so tight that I would end up with bruises by the end of the day. However, once you find the pressure point you can apply pressure to it yourself. During my first labour my midwife did so and it helped relieve the feeling of sickness.

• Eat frequent small meals – Literally graze all day. As a pregnant woman your appetite is all over the place. For me personally I could go from being fine one minute to ravenously hungry the next. If I let myself reach the point where I felt that hungry, I would be sick. Keep lots of small healthy snacks handy so you can avoid reaching that point.

• Avoid your trigger smells/foods and have your love ones avoid them too – With Desana it was meat, specifically pork & sausages, with Freya it was red onions, and non-specific meats. On a related topic, avoid acidic spicy or citrus foods i
  f you struggle with heartburn during pregnancy. Or if you crave them like I did, drink as many glasses of milk as it takes to keep the heartburn at bay!

• Wear versatile layers of clothing so you can remove layers when you get too hot, or bundle up when you are cold. Heat was an extreme trigger during my last pregnancy. Having to ride the buses in early winter, with the heat blasting and a heavy jacket for outside, I nearly fainted on several occasions and was very sick afterwards.

• Get lots of sleep – Easier said than done, especially if you already have little ones. The best thing you can do is give your body the extra rest it needs. I know by the end of your pregnancy you feel like you aren’t getting any rest at all, but do your best.

The Help HER - Hyperemesis Education Research website is an amazing resource. If you think you may be suffering from HG, please speak with your caregiver. Do not suffer in silence. If your caregiver dismisses your concerns, seek out another opinion or head to an E.R.

Two kids in cloth diapers

I've been using cloth diapers since Desana was five months old. When I was pregnant with her I wanted to start cloth right away, but the start-up cost was more than we could afford at the time.

As Desana is not yet potty trained I have TWO kids in cloth diapers. Argh. At least we have electricity and fancy machines that do all the hard work for us, so I don't actually have to wash everything by hand! I put the diapers in to wash probably every other day. I can be completely honest and tell you that I actually do not know how many I own as there are always some in the diaper pail, on the kids, or in the wash. They are never all together at once. If I had to hazard a guess I would say I probably have around 3 dozen.

Here's how it works. During the day I fill up a wet bag (the blue bag in the pic above) with the diapers the girls use, or I pop them in the diaper pail. Once I've filled up a bag it gets placed back here by the washer and dryer and the diaper pail. Once the diaper pail is full and there are two-three wetbags filled with diapers back here I put on a load. That is usually every other day, if I let it go more than that it's dangerous - we might run out! As far as what's in the diaper, if it's solid I just shake it out into the toilet. Everything else comes out in the wash.

Here's my fancy washer and dryer. They are energy efficient and work great with the diapers. When I started we had an older washer and dryer that came with the house. Eventually the washing machine literally died mid-cycle with the diapers. Not fun. Anyway, with this set-up the diapers wash on the 'sanitary' setting for two hours, then dry for an hour and a half in the dryer. That is a three and a half hour process.

This is the detergent I use. It's from costco and is a HUGE bottle so lasts a real long time. I like that I am using the same detergent with our clothes, towels bedding, etc, etc, and the diapers.

After they wash and dry, this is the result! A huge spilling over basket of diapers, liners and cloth wipes to be folded, snapped and stuffed.

Then when all that is over and done with, this is their final resting place.... until someone's bum needs changing!  I love all the pretty colors. :) Oh yeah, I don't have a change table. No room for one, plus I haven't really found it necessary except for when I was heavily pregnant with Freya. Then it was difficult to change Desana on the floor.

I use Grandma Els diaper cream. My wetbags are from AMP diaper store. The pretty blue bag with flowers that you see there above is an amazing little mini wet/dry bag from Planet Wise. I love them since it means I can keep wet wipes in the big zippered pocket and dry ones in the small when I'm going out with the diaper bag.

For the wipes I use two old disposable wipes containers. One holds dry wipes and the other holds wet. I use Punkin Booty Bits with the wet wipes, one piece mixed with 1 1/2 to 2 cups of warm water to dissolve it in. Then I just pour it over the wipes.

For overnights I put Desana in a BumGenius 3.0 diaper (converted from velcro to snaps), first stuffed with a three layer hemp insert folded three ways (that makes 9 layers), then put a one-size BumGenius microfibre insert on top of that. She usually doesn't wet at night anymore anyway but this combination stands up pretty well.

For overnights Freya is in a Swaddlebees one-size Econappi stuffed with a cotton/hemp ecoliner insert with a BumGenius microfibre insert on top. Yeah I know it's quite a bit of jargon. :) For daytime they are both in the same Swaddlebees diapers.

Here's the deal on the diapers. I have 9 BumGenius diapers. They are pretty good diapers and the only reason I use them for Desana for nights is just because they were the most reliable of the other types of diapers I used to have her in. It's an old habit. She would do just fine in a Swaddlebee for night too. The rest of the diapers are Swaddlebees. Swaddlebees are just awesome. I like their fit a little bit more than the BumGenius, they come in a variety of gorgeous prints and colors. They also fit from roughly 10-35lbs.

The biggest advantage of using the one-size diapers is that when I'm packing up the diaper bag to go out it doesn't matter what diaper I toss in there. If I need one for Freya I just adjust the rise to make it shorter, or un-snap it to make it longer for Desana. Plus when it's hot I can just put my kids in matching cute diapers and let them run around shirtless. ;)

Pretty!

Update: I hope you have found this information useful. This has become one of my most popular posts, it seems a lot of people are interested in how to cloth diaper two kids! I'd be happy to answer any questions.

You might also like to read this post: The Diaper Bag for Multiple Kids in Cloth Diapers

Breastfeeding - 39 combined months

Disclaimer: The following is an account of my personal experience with breastfeeding. I don't claim that this is what every one experiences, or that there is a right way of doing things.

Desana and I had a very rough start with breastfeeding. I overlooked one really important subject when I was researching during my pregnancy. I prepared for the labour and birth, but not for what came afterwards! Later on I read The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book of Answers by Dr. Jack Newman, and BOY do I wish I'd read that before. If you only read one book on breastfeeding, that is the one to read.

Desana lost more than 10% of her birth weight (which we later learned with Freya is just what my babies do). She refused my right breast all together. She had a poor shallow latch so it hurt any time she would nurse to the point where it felt like I was being stabbed by glass. Because of the weight loss my midwife had to consult with a doctor who said I needed to bring Desana in to see him and that I needed to supplement with formula. I chose not to bring her in because I felt she was doing fine, I just needed to keep nursing. At my midwifes suggestion I took about a 24 hour break from breastfeeding to try and let my nipples heal and bought a hand pump to express with in the meantime. We started Desana on formula and Matt took care of her mostly on his own for 24 hours while I tried to get some sleep.

The worst advice I was given was to just push through the pain of Desana nursing with a shallow latch, because at least she was getting something. It would have been so much better to work on improving her latch which would have meant I was no longer being injured. Pain does not a good nursing relationship make. There were times where I was in so much pain that I had to hand her off to someone because I literally could not stand being close to her (as the needy source of the pain) anymore.

The second worst advice I was given was to not use breast compression (which I was doing because it just seemed like the natural thing to do) as it would give me blocked ducts. Not true! Breast compression encourages the milk to flow by stimulating the letdown reflex.

I tried a nipple shield to get her to nurse without direct contact but she didn't really like it. I've heard so much about 'nipple confusion' but neither of my girls have ever had issues.

I felt so guilty over giving Desana formula. I was so pro-breastfeeding going in to it and had fallen for the 'formula is poison' line. You know what? Formula is not breastmilk, but if that's what it takes IT IS OK.

Desana had a habit of screaming for hours in the middle of the night. Matt was working nights so it was just the screaming baby and the crying Mummy. She would be crying so frantically that I wouldn't be able to calm her down enough to latch on. So in those instances I would give her a bottle of formula. She would stop screaming, I would stop crying and feeling like I was losing my mind. Formula is ok.

By the time we went back to my midwife for our 6 week postpartum visit, I was exclusively breastfeeding and had even been able to get Desana to accept my right breast. It just took some time for her to learn how to nurse properly, and for me to learn how to hold her and how to show her how to latch properly. For some mothers and babies it might just happen naturally, for us it took some time.

Whoever said breastfeeding doesn't hurt was lying. Even if your baby has correct latch the reality is that you are going from basically probably only having your breasts sucked on once in awhile during lovemaking (typing that made me blush!) to having a newborn latched on for HOURS and HOURS every day. Your skin has to toughen up!

I went to work when Desana was 6 months old and would pump twice a day. It sucked! I didn't have a great supply and an electric pump can never produce as much milk as your baby can. I took the maximum dose of fenugreek to increase my supply and did notice an improvement. When she was about 11 months I decided to quit pumping. I couldn't deal with how isolating it felt to spend every minute of my breaktime at work locked away in a small room with a machine that made a repetitive noise that was really getting to me.

Desana went back on formula for a few weeks then half formula/half cows milk for a few months once she was over a year. She was also on solids although she refused them until 9 months. Adding solids did nothing to increase her weightgain, she stayed steady at the 10th percentile. I continued to nurse her evenings, nights (cosleeping) and on demand on the weekends.

About a month after I stopped pumping my period returned. Three cycles later Freya was conceived.

I think that Desana is about to wean. Lately when I've let her nurse she tries for 30-60 seconds then pulls off and says 'There's nothing in there!'. I think she's forgetting how to nurse... but it is kind of sweet that it's happening this way. I've never really tried to wean her, although when I was nursing through my pregnancy with Freya, there were several months where it was so painful that I would only let her nurse very briefly. I believe that the pregnancy hormones make your breasts sensitive again and it takes awhile to get past that. I can however tell you that the ultimate huge bonus you can look forward to with nursing through pregnancy is that once your baby is born your nipples don't have to be 'broken in' again! With Freya I only had one or two days with a little soreness as she learnt how to latch properly.

Towards the end of my pregnancy I did not nurse Desana often because of the giant pregnant belly being in the way and feeling physically uncomfortable in general. However once Freya was born Desana came in very handy for those times when Freya would nurse, fall asleep, and I would still be painfully engorged. It got to the point where if Freya fell asleep nursing and I stood up with her to take her in to the bedroom, Desana would run to Freya's crib where I put her down for naps and say 'Nurse now?!'. Most of the time, yes, I let her.

Now Desana is 32 months (that is just 4 months from being 3 years old). She is always on the go, so nursing requires more patience than she has these days. She still asks about once a day, and rarely, she will still fall asleep at the breast. I am trying to treasure these moments because I can feel the nursing coming to an end.

I don't know if she will remember our 'extended' nursing, but I hope she at least remembers me nursing one of her siblings. I only remember one nursing mother from my childhood. She was still nursing her daughter who was, to my recollection, in the 4-5 year range but may have been younger. I remember how strange (weird) my parents thought that was that she nursed her daughter before bedtime at that age. I look back on that now, as a nursing mother, I think how wonderful that was of her. What a special relationship.

I hope that my girls grow up in a society that is accepting of breastfeeding, especially breastfeeding openly, of it being natural and right and good. Yes I think breasts are pretty damn sexy but just because there's a baby's head covering the nipple instead of a bikini or bra, doesn't mean a woman should cover up altogether.

I never set out with the intention of breastfeeding for 32 months. I aimed for 6 months, when she could start solids, then 1 year because that was the standard recommendation I was given. Now, according to the World Health Organization:

Exclusive breastfeeding is recommended up to 6 months of age, with continued breastfeeding along with appropriate complementary foods up to two years of age or beyond.

(emphasis is my own)

Once we got to a year I couldn't see stopping. I fought so hard to establish our nursing relationship, and especially with being a working mother it really helped me to continue to feel connected and close to her. I hope it helped her too.

While I was pregnant with Freya I made the decision to buy a can of formula to have on hand just in case I needed a little help. I needed a little help. I still felt a small amount of guilt, but we supplemented for a little while, both for her weightgain and to give me a little break. Literally only 1-2 ounces a day.

We didn't even finish one can and I ended up with an oversupply. :)

Please feel free to leave any comments or questions!

Further Reading:

• Breastfeeding Beyond Infancy - Mothering.com resource
• Breastfeeding in Mongolia - where children regularly breastfeed to 6 years of age
• Historic Photos & Prints of Breastfeeding - a facebook page

Wakeful in Winnipeg

Image source: twob

Time is a funny thing. When you're waiting for a special date it passes oh so slowly, and when you want the time to last it goes by way too fast. I remember the first week I went on maternity leave, I was amazed at how long the day was. I was used to being out of the house until 6pm, so being at home all day with Desana it felt like the days were four days long. In a good way. Now that I'm at home with two kids the day passes pretty quickly and is over before I've accomplished half of what I set out to do.

My littlest munchkin is going through a really clingy stage and starts crying anytime she sees me even attempting to walk away from her. Putting her down for naps now is pretty much impossible as she wakes up as soon as I put her down. I try picking her up and putting her down again, but she just wakes up over and over. It's incredibly frustrating. She's too young for me to feel comfortable just letting her cry for awhile yet. She completely loses it. For example, she just woke up after being down for 5 minutes. Great nap time. ;)

Basically for now I'm in a perpetual state of sleep deprivation. No baby free time during the day, and at night we are co-sleeping so I don't have to get up constantly as she wakes up. I'm very much over it, but despite the fact that she hogs the bed and kicks me all night long, I'm getting more sleep this way than I would the other.

Now I just wonder if I'll ever get used to waking up with what I imagine a hangover must feel like.

I bought a sleep cd that is a recording of noises in the womb and apparently helps babies sleep, and some 6+ month pacifiers. Both are on their way in the mail. I'm hoping to find something that works. I'm still hunting kijiji for a reasonably priced and decent looking rocker recliner. In the meantime...

YAWN!

The Bee

Image source: wwarby

This morning I was going about my usual little routine of making the bed then folding and putting away the clothes in my bedroom, while Freya played in the playpen at the end of the bed, and Desana ran around making her usual chaos. Then I heard a buzzing noise. I looked at the window figuring it was a fly, saw a big bee which then, of course, flew towards me and landed on the bed. Commence me going 'umm, errrr, arrgghhh' (and a few questionable words that thankfully Desana has yet to repeat) trying to figure out something to catch it with. I grabbed one of Matt's socks, decided that wouldn't work. The bee crawled all the way across the bed and up a shirt that was draped over the edge of the laundry basket. Then it took off!

Desana and I both squealed and docked and dodged, then I did the unthinkable and abandoned my child, crawled across the bed at the other side of the room and ran to the kitchen to grab a paper towel. I peeked around the corner and saw the bee come flying out of the bedroom and land on the hallway floor. I grabbed a glass from the cupboard, crept up to the bee and put the glass over it. I spent the next minute trying to find something to cover the glass, rummaging through the recycling bin until I found an appropriately correct sized piece of cardboard. I opened the backdoor in preparation to take the bee outside. Then I wiggled the cardboard slowly under the glass, the bee looked like it was on it's last legs, barely moving. I initially thought it was dead. Once I lifted the covered glass Desana took a close look 'Hi Bee' and waved at it. The bee waved back (no, seriously, it lifted a leg!). As soon as I got outside the house the bee started flying inside the glass. I removed the cardboard and the bee flew away.

Image source: seelenstrurm

What I found remarkable was that this bee went from looking like it was at death's door to full recovery once it saw the great outdoors. Basically, being in the right environment for it, helped it flourished.

Something to think about, are your surroundings helping you flourish? If not, what little steps can you take today to improve that? Move a picture from one room to another, give yourself an extra 15 minutes of time to unwind before bed, step outside and look up at the sky for 2 minutes. My mama always says... A change is as good as a holiday.

Hi Mum. :)

Moments In Motherhood

Image source: Daquella Manera

Last night Freya woke up every 20 minutes after I'd try to put her down. I felt frustrated, I just wanted some time to myself. But then every time I'd pick her up, her little head would snuggle in under my neck for a few moments, then turn and rest on my shoulder and she'd fall back asleep. I'd hold that warm heavy weight of a sleeping baby, kiss her precious little neck and feel grateful.

This morning she woke me up with her toes in my face. Beautiful little baby toes, and then that big genuine happy smile when she saw her Mummy.

Maybe I haven't had more than two hours of interrupted sleep in longer than I can remember. Maybe I spend most of my day running after, comforting and holding one child or another. Maybe I can't even take a bathroom break without someone screaming or pushing over a baby gate to get to me... I'm still loving it. :)

Art and Presents!

I am starting to figure out that in order to be a regular blogger I have to see the photo-op in every occasion. I should have figured that out this morning during our playdate, but you get to see the after math...

You would think that after being a parent for over two and a half years I would know by now that when you can't hear the kid, she's getting into trouble!

Kitchen Floor

Girls Room Door Frame

Desana's lovely soft organic crib sheet

Just as a bonus, here's some pre-existing artwork from the walls behind our kitchen stove and a cupboard

I'm a really laid back Mum so none of this really bothers me. :) The kitchen walls are going to be knocked down eventually so they don't bother me too much, and everything else I can wash off. I am worried about the bed sheet now! How do you get markers out of something like that? Any suggestions?

Now on to the presents... I ordered a couple more Plan toys a few months back through a co-op. Plan toys are some of my absolute favorites for the girls because they are green and great quality, and I know I'm not going to have to replace them with each kid.

Desana tried very hard to open the present on her own!

First present is a lace-up shoe to practice tying laces. Desana wasn't sure what to think of that.

Next up came the box of blocks - this she liked!!!

Desana is just starting to learn the names of shapes although she is pretty good with her colors. These blocks will definitely help her learn some more things.

Meanwhile Freya thought the empty box made a pretty good toy.

Big mess!

Building a tower! That is the best thing to with blocks after all.

Desana hasn't quite figured out the lace up shoe yet, other than to try and put it on.

Here's my littlest munchkin.

Who could resist this smile?