Lessons Relearned

Today I am asking myself, how many times do I have to experience the same thing before I will learn the lesson? Do you think that every experience in life is a lesson, or are we just trying to find meaning in the sometimes meaningless?

I am ready to move on, can we turn to the next page?

Image source: artsyville

Accepting Your Limitations

I was sick the second week of swimming lessons, the week they placed us in the group that best fit our abilities. In the third week I was placed in the 10 meter class. I pushed off the pool wall and went right under until an adult jumped in and pulled me out. I was then placed in the beginners class where I was never taught to swim, you just kind of floated around in the shallow end for the whole hour. I’m not really sure who was in charge of the beginners class, but boy did they do us a disservice.

When I was in my mid to late teens I went kayaking with my Dad. I have no idea why I agreed to do it in the first place. Awkward from the start, I had to squeeze my plus size teenage body in to a life-vest, and swallow my dread that the kayak wouldn’t sink immediately to the bottom of the river once I got in it. There had been some heavy rain recently so the water was running faster and deeper than it usually was. I think I probably made it about a quarter of the way until I capsized. It was one of those slow motion moments where what was really only five to ten seconds felt like a lifetime. I was upside down in the kayak until I kicked my way out of it and fought my way back to the surface. I was done. I absolutely refused to go on any further.

I got back in my kayak and was towed by a young man who just happened to be the 9th or so place champion kayaker in the world. I joked about being the worst kayaker in the world. I’m fairly sure he bit his tongue and silently agreed! He got me to shore, dragged my kayak up out of the water and left me in what seemed like the middle of the country. I had to leave my glasses behind before we started off on the whole adventure, so I was quite blind. I wandered down a road until I came to a little house where a man and woman sitting on a porch offered me a drink and chatted with me until one of the kayaking employees showed up in a jeep to pick me up.

A couple of years later my Aunt introduced me to snorkelling, which I came to greatly love. Matt and I ended up spending many hours snorkelling together when he came to Australia. I still kept to the fairly shallow water because even as an adult I’ve never really learnt to swim. It’s on my list of things I want to learn to do one of these days.

I walked away from the kayaking experience feeling incredibly proud of myself. I know that most people might consider what I did to be quitting, plain and simple. I think I was proud to have at least made an attempt to do something so very far outside my comfort zone, and to feel complete confidence in admitting I wasn’t cut out for it. We can’t all be world champion kayakers, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't give it a shot.

Image source: beau-foto

Go For It!

A month ago I saw an advertisement for what was essentially my dream job. I wasn’t looking for a new job; I was just reading the newspaper. My heart leapt in to my throat and I of course immediately tried to talk myself out of applying for it. I talked with friends and my husband and was surprised when they all encouraged me to go for it. Part of me felt, how fair is it to apply for a job when you know that you will most likely be moving overseas sometime in the next six-twelve months? The other part of me thought it was too good an opportunity to miss.

The last time I applied for a job was almost three years ago, and I did not have a copy of that resume on my computer. So amidst a very busy week including a day trip by plane to and from another city with very little sleep, I had to rewrite my resume and a cover letter from scratch.

It was a surprisingly enjoyable experience. Coupling the enthusiasm I felt for the position I was applying for with the usually difficult task of talking about myself and just how great I am, I felt confident, I felt capable, I felt I could take on this job and anything else they threw my way.

If you think this is the part where I tell you I got the job and start on Monday, you would be incorrect. That’s honestly not the point. The point is that I took a risk, despite it not being perfect timing, despite not fitting 100% of the job requirements, despite the setback of not even having a resume and the pressing deadline for submission being immediately after the day trip.

I haven’t heard a thing back in response to my submission. It’s been a month and although it’s possible I still might hear back, I doubt it. But I’m still thrilled to pieces that I pushed myself to go for something I wanted. If I hadn’t, I know that I would have regretted it.  I'd far rather take the risk of succeeding than the certainty of failing by not trying at all.

Image source: icultist

The Land Down Under

Are you excited? That has to be the number one question that people keep asking me.  I honestly feel like I am reciting a recorded message when I respond to that now. It is really difficult to be excited about it when I’ve trained myself for so many years to not even think about it. The hysterical crying and desperate homesickness I experienced in my first year away from Australia made it so I had to find a coping mechanism or I wouldn’t be able to function. When I got on the plane as a newlywed at a mere nineteen years of age, I had no idea how drastic a change I was really making. Now at twenty-seven I’m heading back to a country I’ve never really lived in as an adult.

That’s right, we’re moving back to Australia! I actually did get a little thrill of excitement writing that!

We are still closer to the beginning of the process than we are to the end, but things are well in the works. We’re getting ready to list our house for sale in the next two months, and we are selling virtually everything we own. There goes my clutter problem! Although selling things is easier than it sounds. It is very difficult to let go of things.

As I was sorting through some of my boxes of keepsakes, I came across a little card from my best friend that contained a quote along the lines of ‘Friendships are more precious than possessions’. That is what I’ve been trying to keep in mind as I struggle to let go of things.

I am fairly sure as we do eventually find ourselves a new home in Australia, we will end up being much more conscious of our belongings and what we hang on to. Matt and I have talked about how despite loving having our own home, there is some appeal to the idea of having so little that you could just up and go on an adventure without having those deep roots, if you wanted to. One thing is for sure, I do not want to go through the paper work of moving to a third country!

Image source: dicktay2000

Vulnerability

It’s hard to know where to start when I’ve gone so long without writing at all. I’ve been doing some thinking about why I retreated, and I’ve come to realise that it basically comes down to feeling vulnerable. Too vulnerable to share what I’m really going through, perhaps fear of sharing that much of myself, or letting anyone else know the inner workings of my complicated mind.

A counsellor that I’m seeing told me last week that my personality type is very much all inside my head, as it’s a very safe and secure place where no one else can know what is going on. I found this a little ironic as so much of the time I’d give anything to escape what’s going on inside my head! Perhaps that’s half the problem. Does getting it out make it easier?

I cautiously want to say that I’m on the mend. I’ve been on an additional new medication for a few days that’s addressing my insomnia along with the anxiety and depression. I’m sleeping. This may not seem like big news to a lot of you, but I’M SLEEPING! It is big news. It’s beautiful deep sleep that I haven’t had in longer than I can remember.

Now part of me is worrying that this is one of the entries that no one is going to take anything from, but it’s a step towards allowing myself to be here again.

I just want you to know that I am here, I want to say I’m back, I want to be writing again, and like so many other things in life it’s really just about actually doing it.

Hiatus

I love writing here, but it takes creative energy I don't have to give right now. I'm taking a self-care hiatus, hope to be back soon.

The Uphill Battle

I’ve been stuck for about a month now. Plenty of reasons, I don’t care to make excuses. I’m persevering, still plugging away at the gym despite feeling deeply discouraged. There are changes, I saw a picture of myself yesterday that was taken this past weekend, and I was shocked by my appearance in a positive way. Even as I stood there smiling for the camera, I was aware of the way my clothes were sitting, even pulling at my shirt hem in between shots. Apparently there was nothing to worry about, so that’s reassuring. I looked good.

I spoke with the dietician at my gym last week and will be getting a little extra guidance from her going forward. I really do believe that food may be the greater issue. I can deal with the required exercise, but staying on track with my eating is much more difficult.

We discussed my use of the phrase 'lack of willpower'. She was adamantly against it, saying that willpower has nothing to do with it; it's all about the circumstances in which you live in, what foods you have in your environment. I don't mind being given that excuse, that if it's there, you'll eat it, willpower be damned. It's just a matter of having good-for-you alternatives available when the mood strikes. Right? We will see.

Even though my flabby arms are an unavoidable side-effect of getting thinner, I am getting some muscle tone which is kind of neat. I really enjoy the weight machines, but I don't think I’ll be going muscle crazy any time soon (unless it gets rid of the dreaded flabby arms, hmmm!).

I still struggle with my judgemental side. I find myself glaring at thin and fat people alike, thin people because it infuriates me that they are at the gym, and fat people for a multitude of reasons. It's as if their appearance reflects on mine, the idea that if they are fat they must be lazy, ill-educated, unintelligent. It bothers me that I think this way about other people, it pains me to think that others might think that way about me.

On the positive side of things, I’ve managed to mostly silence my inner critic; I can quickly shut down harsh criticism and instead treat myself with kindness. It’s nice to not be constantly followed around by that bully any more.

It’s easy to look at the amount of time that has passed (four whole months) and be discouraged that I’m not as far along as I thought I would be at this point. But there are significant changes. I’m much stronger than I used to be, I find some things easy that used to be very difficult. I’ve dropped two clothes sizes. That is quite significant.

The only real deadlines I have are self-imposed, and I’m learning that I need to be more flexible, and more forgiving.

Image source: Aldo Cauchi Savona

30 Day Clutter Bootcamp

I often write about my struggle to maintain a balance between being a working mother and the things I want to do for myself. One of the bigger things I've been struggling to find the time for is continuing to declutter my home.

I've been reading an e-book called 30 Day Clutter Bootcamp. Tanja Hoagland of Minimalist Packrat wrote the 106 page e-book with the premise that if you can find 30 minutes a day to dedicate to decluttering, you can get rid of a lot of stuff, really quickly.

Along with continuing to write on my usual subjects, I'm going to dedicate myself to the bootcamp and share every step of my journey with you right here. You can just read along or you could also purchase the 30 Day Clutter Bootcamp e-book and read and work your way through it with me.

I want you to know that I wouldn't be sharing this book if I wasn't taking a lot from it. If you are hesitant to buy an e-book and wonder if you would take anything from it, it is good to know that the book comes with a 100% money back guarantee. I'm not asking for my money back!

I'm looking forward to sharing this with you!

Success, Defined

Words I strive to live by. :)

Image source: workisnotajob.

Devastatingly Yours, Mum

My three year old has started calling me Mum. It breaks my heart, I wanted to stay Mummy for much much longer.

Motherhood is devastating. It is a love that can not be accurately described in words. A fierce love and determination to protect, that for these little people, everything will be ok so long as it is in your power to make it so.

It isn't really in your power, but what can you do?

I remember the wrenching feeling when Freya was a few weeks old and something happened to her, causing a moment of panic and fear that she was hurt. That was the moment that I realised I did in fact love her, I cared about what happened to her and I wanted her to be safe.

My love for my second little one has been a long complex process. I had ongoing bleeding through the first and second trimester, always on the edge thinking I would lose her. It put a wedge between us that took a long time to overcome. In the final days of the pregnancy my fears weighed heavily on my mind. How could I love two children? How could I give them both the love and attention they deserved?

My doula reassured me that despite all my fears, my baby already knew that I loved her.

Now I am out of the house from 8am until 6pm most days of the week, missing big chunks of their lives. Some days when I come home I barely recognise my 'baby' who has turned in to a little girl. Then she still cries when I insist on getting changed out of my work clothes before nursing her, and more often than not she will fall asleep in my arms a few minutes later. Sometimes I envy that sense of security.

Meanwhile Desana pretends to be a baby, laying in my arms and saying 'agoo', the first memorable baby word Freya frequently said. Insisting that she is a baby, it seems to be her way of demanding snuggle time with me. Which is why while it may not be good parenting, some nights I let her fall asleep snuggling up to my side on the couch, as she tries to spend as much time with me as possible.

Whether it's Mum or Mummy, I'll be there for them as long as I can be.

Image source: Nina Matthews

Here Comes The Sun

It was nice to walk outside at the end of my work day today and see the sun shining. The wind still has a bit of a chill to it, but it is so nice to see the blue sky and feel the warm sun. I can already feel my mood being elevated by the nicer weather.

As it warms up I'm looking forward to:

• Sitting on the front porch and reading a good book
• BBQ dinners with the amazing scent that lingers throughout the house
• Going to the zoo with the kids
• Having a romantic picnic (one day my husband will catch on!)
• Playing outside with the kids

Maybe we'll even celebrate 'Christmas in July' so I can get my summer Aussie Christmas fix! :)

What are you looking forward to doing this summer?

Image source: The Wheatfield by Katie Daisy

DIY Faux Fireplaces

Once upon a time I shared with you this stunning DIY shabby chic faux fireplace that Janet of The Decorating Diaries made. That little blog post has consistently drawn a lot of readers to it, so I was inspired to do a little bit more digging and compile more DIY faux fireplaces to share with you. I have included links to the original blogs, many of which include information on how you can make one yourself! Enjoy!

The Decorating Diaries

I grew up in a home with a functioning fireplace. My parents put a large addition on to the back of the house and my Mum really wanted another fireplace, I think, just for the look. So she bought a tiled fireplace and put it in place, adding a wooden shelf above for a mantle. Of course it wasn't functioning, but it was pretty. I hadn't even thought of it in years until I started putting this together. :)

Emerald Cove

I am very much drawn to both the shabby chic and beach cottage looks. The above obviously leans more towards beach cottage. Isn't it lovely? It's actually in the master bedroom. I think I would just sit and stare and sigh at it all the time! I love the added touch of putting an additional shelf at the bottom to have a ledge for decorative items.

The Shabby Chic Cottage

This faux fire place is just a perfect picture. I love the shades of blue that the cherry blossum twigs on the mantle contrast with so beautifully. I greatly admire people who seem to have the ability to bring different objects together to display and make it work. I don't think I quite have that ability!

Bellas Rose Cottage

Believe it or not here's another faux fireplace. What looks like a fire is actually strings of decorative lights! It sure makes for a wonderfully romantic atmosphere..

Dreamy Whites

Again with the incredible mantle piece arrangement! How does one learn how to put things together like that?! I love the sturdy look of this fireplace, how the grey pearl wall contrasts against the fireplace, and the wall-mounted numbers for the clock are so unique.

The Little Apartment

The boards of this faux fireplace are wonderfully rustic, yet still have that beach cottage feel without being painted white. Of course the ocean painting on the mantle definitely helps add to the feeling!

via pinterest

While neither shabby or beach, this grey fireplace is definitely faux. I love the use of two surfaces for decorative items, and anything that includes the use of mason jars is divine. The splashes of pink and orange are a modern twist.

Caught in Grace

This one just blows me away. Not only is it a great example of what you can do with a faux fireplace... look at the gorgeous arrangement on the mantlepiece. Oh, and did you notice that the middle is chalkboard paint?

Caught in Grace

Who said a faux fireplace can't have a fire?!

Home and Harmony

The use of the chalkboard paint offers up a world of possibilities, what a great use of blank space. With another example of blue mason-type jars on a mantle piece; they work so well with the white.

Home and Harmony

Are you now eyeing the walls of your home, wondering if perhaps you could put in a faux fireplace? It wasn't something I was thinking about before, but now? I'm loving the romanticism. :)

Be, Do, Have, Happiness

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier.
The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want."

- Margaret Young

Image source: Mat Tyrrell

Why and How I'm Kicking the Clutter

Last week I introduced you to the 30 Day Clutter Bootcamp. The author, Tanja, says that most of us just dive in head first when we decide to cut back on the clutter, then quickly get overwhelmed. Hmm, that sounds rather familiar! It’s important to really get to the root of why you want to do this, what it is you want from the experience, what you want from your life. Once you know what is motivating you, what your intentions are, it makes the journey a little easier. That's why Day 1 of Bootcamp is The Master Plan.

In my words, here are some of the master plan questions, and my answers:

Why do you want to make this change?

• I don’t like mess, it depresses and overwhelms me and wrecks havoc with my anxiety.
• I don’t like not being able to find things when I need them.
• I don’t like spending my free time tidying up only to have to do it all again the next evening or weekend.
• I don’t like holding on to unused items that could be useful to someone else.
• I believe that eliminating the unnecessary opens the way to abundance.

What is your current clutter reality; what’s bothering you the most?

• The front entrance way. It's a very small area that gets used as a dumping ground for things that are on their way out of the house (donations, borrowed items), and things as we come in to the house (coats, shoes, bags, etc.)
• Study desk. Dumping ground for bills, mail, flyers, to-do items, etc.
• Kitchen counters. Another dumping ground for items that don't have homes, and dirty dishes that never seem to go away.
• Laundry/Back Door Area. Major dumping area for toys, laundry, recycling and garbage. Also has Matt’s tools and our pantry. Disaster that keeps on coming back no matter how many times I try to eliminate it!
• Basement. Major dumping ground for everything I’ll get to later (you know, that day that will never come). The biggest area to tackle but also the lowest priority as it is out of sight and not a day-to-day hassle.

Am I the only one seeing a common theme here? Dumping ground, hmm....

Imagine the way you want your house to be.

• Open and airy, inviting. Everything I need is readily at hand, easily found. I love everything that I own. My home is warm and welcoming, relaxing, soothing, it even smells great! Comfortable and comforting.
• Less about how it looks (ie, décor) than how it feels and makes me feel.

I can make it happen by doing the following!:

• Dedicate 30 minutes a day to decluttering; easy to find by cutting back on tv or internet time.
• Keep only what you use or love.
• Reduce belongings by at least 30%, or; keep two, toss one.
• Top priority - work from the front of the house to the back.
• Address the areas that are the most used or most frustrating on a regular basis.

The Bootcamp takes you through your home by categories, not rooms. As in you sort through all of your CDs at once, or all of your shoes. However I'm not going to restrict myself to doing only what she suggests for specific days, if inspiration strikes, I'm going for it.

For instance tonight I went through my jewellery and reduced my necklaces by 50%, and my earrings and misc. jewellery by roughly 30%. It was actually easy because I was in the right mindset to do it. If you're not ready to let go of something, it's not going to happen. When I first sorted through my books I thought I had donated everything that I could. When I went through them again after a significant amount of time had passed, I emptied entire bookshelves!

What area of your house would you most like to get under control? If your home is already the home of your dreams, do you have any helpful tips to share? I could certainly use some!

Image source: Joel Penner

If you want to work through the 30 Day Clutter Bootcamp e-book with me you can purchase it by clicking on the link. I only recommend things that I believe in, plus, it comes with a 100% money back guarantee if you aren't happy with the purchase. No risk there!

Losing the Biggest Loser

Back in January I entered an online weightloss competition, The Blogging Biggest Loser. So many people entered that the final jackpot came to $2180. I had no intention of winning, and I didn't. Here I am, as a loser, and I'm saying losing isn't necessarily a bad thing; I've learnt a lot about myself in the process.

For instance, I know that on the days I step on the scale and the number isn't progressing in the direction I want, I don't update my online weight tracker. I'm dedicated to sharing my journey with you, but apparently not that dedicated.

The days I lose track of how many calories I've consumed, I also don't enter my food for the day although I often think to myself 'One billion calories!!!', and am sadly amused.

I know that I missed a few check-ins throughout the competition because I'd either had no progress that week, or I was up and too embarrassed to send in a picture of my scale showing a higher number than the week before.

I know that I use food to try to suppress negative moods, as if it doesn't 'count' under certain circumstances.

I know that I am still far from 100% dedicated to this long road that I'm on and I am easily distracted by little side roads.

I know that despite having a goal, that goal can sometimes be detrimental. I am trying to lose a big chunk of weight before having another baby. My weight has never been a complication in my pregnancies or births, but my last pregnancy was very physically difficult. If losing weight first could alleviate that, all the better. But... sometimes it just seems like too long to wait.

On the positive side, I know that I am not giving up. I am much better at accepting the backward steps I take and not letting a few pounds gained mean the end of the world.

So the truth is that I've somehow gained five pounds over the past ten days since I last 'weighed-in' on myfitnesspal. I expect most of that will go pretty quick, some being water weight, the rest being PMS eating. Yeah, PMS, first time in two years! Hooray!

I've been 'this' weight for a long time. If I don't deal with my root issues, nothing will really change. I'd rather lose it slowly and lose it for good than lose it all and gain it all back again.

So there you have it.


Image source: Matt Seppings

I Am Being Bullied

I ran in to a woman today who has habit of making my life miserable. She's incredibly rude and insensitive.

Here's a small sample of some of the things she said to me today:

• You look ridiculous
• Why do you even bother trying? You should quit.
• You look so bloated, it's disgusting
• You are a terrible mother
• You aren't smart enough for this
• You're never going to lose that weight

It's very discouraging and if it was up to her I'd probably never go anywhere or do anything, and I'd wear a paper bag over my head. Yeah, she's a real piece of work and the worst part is that I just can't avoid her, because she is me.

I wonder how many of us have such a cruel inner dialogue, and how do you go about changing it?


Image source: @boetter

How Do You Unwind?

I've been battling a bit of insomnia for the past two weeks. I've come to recognise that insomnia is a sign that I'm struggling with my anxiety. Part of me thinks that the longer I stay up, the longer I'll put off whatever issues I'm having. I don't really know how that is rational, but that's how I feel.

So I find myself going to bed hours after I should, then laying awake for hours after that. I think in order to function fairly well I need at least nine hours sleep. Most of the time I get four to five. I usually manage to grab one three-four hour nap on the weekend but that doesn't make up for all the lost sleep throughout the week.

I think if I am able to 'unplug' earlier and put a priority back on reading, that will help me sleep. I thoroughly enjoy reading, fiction and non-fiction. I actually enjoy reading so much that it was on my list of preferences in a partner! There's nothing quite like finding yourself drifting off to sleep while reading a good book.

How do you unwind?


Image source: ArtRocks

WagJag Block Party Giveaway!

WagJag.com recently launched in Winnipeg. On WagJag you can find discounts on local restaurants, stores, activities and more. I was recently able to purchase an extra two months membership at my gym for more than 50% off the regular price. That was really awesome!

As part of the Winnipeg launch WagJag.com is throwing a Block Party next Sunday March 27th to celebrate and I have 4 invitations to give away. Each invitation is good for the winner plus 4 of their friends. Before I tell you how you can enter to win, here is a little bit more information about the party:

The WagJag Block Party is family-friendly and full of fun surprises!

We've booked a great band (Moses Mayes!), a cool venue and fun activities for grown-ups and kids (like breakdancers, DIY crafts and a photobooth). There'll be slushies and cupcakes and swag bags for everyone!

Date & Time: Sunday, March 27, 2011.  2-5 PM

Place: Alive In the District . 140 Bannatyne in the Exchange

Band & Host: Moses Mayes (!!!) & Breakfast Television's Pay Chen

Drinks: Slushie Bar, Gourmet Coffee Bar by DeLuca's, Juice, Pop, Water

Snacks: Tall Grass Prairie Cinnabuns, Santa Lucia Pizza, Cakeology Cupcakes, Alycia's Perogies

I will be there with my family, it should be a fun way to pass a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon! So if you are in Winnipeg next weekend and would like to check out the block party, just comment below and leave your e-mail address. Nothing more needed! The winners will either be the first four comments or if more than four people enter the winners will be chosen randomly from the entries.

Entries close 5pm tomorrow, Tuesday March 22nd. Feel free to pass this on to your family and friends in Winnipeg!

Please let me know if you have any questions, and be sure to check out WagJag.com for some great local deals.

This post is now closed to comments. Congratulations to Lucie & Kisa!

Believe in Yourself

Believe in Yourself by Honey Boo

Accepting My Mistakes

I was home alone with the girls. I ate mindlessly because it tasted good and I wanted it. When it hit me what I’d just done I felt disgusted with myself. I’d probably eaten the equivalent of the calories I should have for dinner, in the matter of a few minutes. I wanted to erase it. I didn’t want to face the consequences of giving in to impulse eating, which could be a bump in the road to weight loss, numbers going up on the scale, having to admit to myself that I had done that.

I was sitting next to the bath while the girls played and I thought about throwing up. I turned away from them and I did more than think about it, I stuck a finger down my throat and gagged. Then I stopped and looked over at my girls. I thought about the fact that they will one day be teenagers, and someday perhaps mothers. I thought about how I would feel if one of my daughters ever became bulimic and felt that they had to resort to throwing up their food in order to control their weight.

That wasn’t a good feeling.

I didn’t throw up. I still wasn’t happy with myself for having eaten food that wasn’t necessary or particularly nourishing, but I was happy that I was willing to accept responsibility for my actions. I was happy I decided not to throw up in front of my daughters, or in secret.

My daughters are a big part of the reason why I’m working on losing this weight now. They are young enough that they don’t judge people by their appearances. They are young enough to not be teased about their mothers’ weight. They are young enough that any bad eating habits aren’t yet ingrained in them. I don’t want them to remember me ever being anything but in a healthy weight range with good eating habits and an active lifestyle.

Sometimes I chose to eat food that isn’t very healthy for me. Sometimes I play the ‘I deserve this’ card to let myself eat something that I want, but don’t need. Sometimes I make the choice to just not care and eat it all anyway.

I won't let it define me.


Image source: Tanisha Pina