I posed this question to a Mums group, what hobbies do you have outside of motherhood? The answer was almost overwhelmingly unanimous, motherhood doesn't allow time for hobbies. Now, this could be because we all, for the most part, have children three and under, and many of us have had subsequent children in the past year. But for the next couple of years, and longer if we continue to have children, the majority of our time will be taken up with caring for our children.
It can be exhausting on so many levels.
Desana will be three in December, and Freya will be one in January. Desana still can't be completely trusted to play carefully with Freya so I'm limited in what unsupervised time I can give them (and thus what kidfree time I can have). My legs look like I haven't shaved in my life. Seriously!
I think it is very important that we hold on to some trace of our identity outside of the roles we are filling. Putting aside your roles as an employee, wife and mother, and retaining who you are. It can be very easy to forget, who was I before this relationship started? Who was I before this small life relied on me for survival? Do you remember?
Here are some of my thoughts on getting on to the path of remembering who you are (not what you are).
Make time for a hobby
This could be anything from running in the morning to reading alone at night. What was it that you used to do in your spare time before your responsibilities grew so big? If it isn't obvious, my hobby is blogging. It took me a long time figure out that this could turn in to a passion and sometimes I still feel as if I have to justify it. But it helps me remember and discover who I am and I am regularly surprised to find that other people are taking something away from what I share.
Schedule a regular girls night out.
Ideally my friend Shawna and I would have a night out every two weeks, but we don't always find the time for it. We have to make it a higher priority! Leave the kids at home with their Dads, or if there is no Dad around ask another friend or family member to watch them for a few hours. We window shop, go see chick flicks, drink hot chocolate, and occasionally sit in empty parking lots in the car chatting until we realise it's going on 11pm. Whoops.
Take care of yourself.
Take time for you, everything else can wait. Especially in this world. You can record that tv show and watch it later, your e-mails and Facebook will still be there tomorrow. Even if it takes easing your bedtime back by 15 minutes at a time (the way I had to with my toddler), give yourself more time to wind down at night. Maybe take a nice long hot shower (and get those legs shaved!) and a make little extra time to sleep. If you need to, ask for help with the kids bedtime routine in order to allow this time for you.
Nuture your relationship.
If you have a partner around, remember to take the time to keep the relationship between each other alive, and new and interesting. I know, it is very much easier said than done. Dates don't have to be expensive, you could rent a movie, make dinner at home, go for a walk, or tell the out-of-home babysitter that you are going to a movie but sneak home and have some alone time instead. Not that I've ever done that. Not that I haven't! ;)
Last but certainly not least... Stop trying to have it all together!
I think you would be surprised to find that even the most put together woman has moments of feeling completely overwhelmed. The day my psychologist told me that I don't have to have it all together was one of the most shocking and relieving moments of my life. I was holding myself up to an impossibly high standard and it was destroying me. If you need to hear that too, guess what? I'm giving you permission to not have it all together. Sometimes something has to give, even if it is your hairy legs!
What is it that you already do to remember who you are?
Image source: masatoshi_
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