Losing the Biggest Loser

Back in January I entered an online weightloss competition, The Blogging Biggest Loser. So many people entered that the final jackpot came to $2180. I had no intention of winning, and I didn't. Here I am, as a loser, and I'm saying losing isn't necessarily a bad thing; I've learnt a lot about myself in the process.

For instance, I know that on the days I step on the scale and the number isn't progressing in the direction I want, I don't update my online weight tracker. I'm dedicated to sharing my journey with you, but apparently not that dedicated.

The days I lose track of how many calories I've consumed, I also don't enter my food for the day although I often think to myself 'One billion calories!!!', and am sadly amused.

I know that I missed a few check-ins throughout the competition because I'd either had no progress that week, or I was up and too embarrassed to send in a picture of my scale showing a higher number than the week before.

I know that I use food to try to suppress negative moods, as if it doesn't 'count' under certain circumstances.

I know that I am still far from 100% dedicated to this long road that I'm on and I am easily distracted by little side roads.

I know that despite having a goal, that goal can sometimes be detrimental. I am trying to lose a big chunk of weight before having another baby. My weight has never been a complication in my pregnancies or births, but my last pregnancy was very physically difficult. If losing weight first could alleviate that, all the better. But... sometimes it just seems like too long to wait.

On the positive side, I know that I am not giving up. I am much better at accepting the backward steps I take and not letting a few pounds gained mean the end of the world.

So the truth is that I've somehow gained five pounds over the past ten days since I last 'weighed-in' on myfitnesspal. I expect most of that will go pretty quick, some being water weight, the rest being PMS eating. Yeah, PMS, first time in two years! Hooray!

I've been 'this' weight for a long time. If I don't deal with my root issues, nothing will really change. I'd rather lose it slowly and lose it for good than lose it all and gain it all back again.

So there you have it.


Image source: Matt Seppings

I Am Being Bullied

I ran in to a woman today who has habit of making my life miserable. She's incredibly rude and insensitive.

Here's a small sample of some of the things she said to me today:

• You look ridiculous
• Why do you even bother trying? You should quit.
• You look so bloated, it's disgusting
• You are a terrible mother
• You aren't smart enough for this
• You're never going to lose that weight

It's very discouraging and if it was up to her I'd probably never go anywhere or do anything, and I'd wear a paper bag over my head. Yeah, she's a real piece of work and the worst part is that I just can't avoid her, because she is me.

I wonder how many of us have such a cruel inner dialogue, and how do you go about changing it?


Image source: @boetter

How Do You Unwind?

I've been battling a bit of insomnia for the past two weeks. I've come to recognise that insomnia is a sign that I'm struggling with my anxiety. Part of me thinks that the longer I stay up, the longer I'll put off whatever issues I'm having. I don't really know how that is rational, but that's how I feel.

So I find myself going to bed hours after I should, then laying awake for hours after that. I think in order to function fairly well I need at least nine hours sleep. Most of the time I get four to five. I usually manage to grab one three-four hour nap on the weekend but that doesn't make up for all the lost sleep throughout the week.

I think if I am able to 'unplug' earlier and put a priority back on reading, that will help me sleep. I thoroughly enjoy reading, fiction and non-fiction. I actually enjoy reading so much that it was on my list of preferences in a partner! There's nothing quite like finding yourself drifting off to sleep while reading a good book.

How do you unwind?


Image source: ArtRocks

WagJag Block Party Giveaway!

WagJag.com recently launched in Winnipeg. On WagJag you can find discounts on local restaurants, stores, activities and more. I was recently able to purchase an extra two months membership at my gym for more than 50% off the regular price. That was really awesome!

As part of the Winnipeg launch WagJag.com is throwing a Block Party next Sunday March 27th to celebrate and I have 4 invitations to give away. Each invitation is good for the winner plus 4 of their friends. Before I tell you how you can enter to win, here is a little bit more information about the party:

The WagJag Block Party is family-friendly and full of fun surprises!

We've booked a great band (Moses Mayes!), a cool venue and fun activities for grown-ups and kids (like breakdancers, DIY crafts and a photobooth). There'll be slushies and cupcakes and swag bags for everyone!

Date & Time: Sunday, March 27, 2011.  2-5 PM

Place: Alive In the District . 140 Bannatyne in the Exchange

Band & Host: Moses Mayes (!!!) & Breakfast Television's Pay Chen

Drinks: Slushie Bar, Gourmet Coffee Bar by DeLuca's, Juice, Pop, Water

Snacks: Tall Grass Prairie Cinnabuns, Santa Lucia Pizza, Cakeology Cupcakes, Alycia's Perogies

I will be there with my family, it should be a fun way to pass a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon! So if you are in Winnipeg next weekend and would like to check out the block party, just comment below and leave your e-mail address. Nothing more needed! The winners will either be the first four comments or if more than four people enter the winners will be chosen randomly from the entries.

Entries close 5pm tomorrow, Tuesday March 22nd. Feel free to pass this on to your family and friends in Winnipeg!

Please let me know if you have any questions, and be sure to check out WagJag.com for some great local deals.

This post is now closed to comments. Congratulations to Lucie & Kisa!

Believe in Yourself

Believe in Yourself by Honey Boo

Accepting My Mistakes

I was home alone with the girls. I ate mindlessly because it tasted good and I wanted it. When it hit me what I’d just done I felt disgusted with myself. I’d probably eaten the equivalent of the calories I should have for dinner, in the matter of a few minutes. I wanted to erase it. I didn’t want to face the consequences of giving in to impulse eating, which could be a bump in the road to weight loss, numbers going up on the scale, having to admit to myself that I had done that.

I was sitting next to the bath while the girls played and I thought about throwing up. I turned away from them and I did more than think about it, I stuck a finger down my throat and gagged. Then I stopped and looked over at my girls. I thought about the fact that they will one day be teenagers, and someday perhaps mothers. I thought about how I would feel if one of my daughters ever became bulimic and felt that they had to resort to throwing up their food in order to control their weight.

That wasn’t a good feeling.

I didn’t throw up. I still wasn’t happy with myself for having eaten food that wasn’t necessary or particularly nourishing, but I was happy that I was willing to accept responsibility for my actions. I was happy I decided not to throw up in front of my daughters, or in secret.

My daughters are a big part of the reason why I’m working on losing this weight now. They are young enough that they don’t judge people by their appearances. They are young enough to not be teased about their mothers’ weight. They are young enough that any bad eating habits aren’t yet ingrained in them. I don’t want them to remember me ever being anything but in a healthy weight range with good eating habits and an active lifestyle.

Sometimes I chose to eat food that isn’t very healthy for me. Sometimes I play the ‘I deserve this’ card to let myself eat something that I want, but don’t need. Sometimes I make the choice to just not care and eat it all anyway.

I won't let it define me.


Image source: Tanisha Pina

Blog Share: Anxiety, Dreams & Passions

Heading in to the weekend I have a few inspirational reads to share from other bloggers on the subjects of anxiety and pursuing your dreams and passions. Please enjoy, and if you like what you see stop by their blogs and leave a comment.

Unwritten - Lisa of Swirls and Swings

"During my last round of counselling, I was taken aback when I realized that I was comfortable making myself miserable. It is not that I enjoy being worried, self-critical and defensive, but these things are so familiar to me. They are patterns that have become so much a part of who I am that when we talked about leaving them behind, I got quite emotional. Feelings of fear and grief swelled up inside of me. Change these things? How could I? It would be like letting a part of myself die! And who would I be without them?"

Second Star On The Right, Straight On ‘Til Morning - Emily of Emily Jane

"I know what those dreams are now, and they involve great risk. Throwing everything that’s comfortable and routine up into the air and taking a big giant leap into unfamiliar territory. They involve following a rocky path without streetlights or signposts along the way, with no guarantee of a destination; no guarantee that at the end of it all, the dreams will come true. But I suppose that’s where having faith in the Universe comes in. And you know what? It hasn’t let me down once."

Build a Life Raft - Janelle of re:find joy

"If this is something that could be a reality for you, there's no better time than now. Figure out just what you need to do to be ready when that glorious moment arrives! Maybe you only have a small amount to do and your life raft is a little animal floatie or you have a lot to tackle and you need a giant sailing ship. Regardless of how much is left to be done, you can do it!"

Image source: Dan McKay

Stand-out Style

I've been reading through Style Statement: Live By Your Own Design for a few months now. While I am still figuring out exactly what my personal style statement is, I have discovered that I particularly enjoy
stand-out style; style that is out of the ordinary.

Stunningly beautiful, Lush is the Mommy Necklace that I'm currently coveting. Yes, I truly love my necklaces! I have so many now that I'm planning on taking a few with me to a clothing swap this spring.
Stand-out style; being complimented for wearing something that is different.

I have cardigans in a variety of colors and lengths. I love them because they hide my insecurities (like my wing-arms, argh) and they make layering up or down very easy.

Stand-out style; being a little bit more me, on the outside.

Over the winter I've been wearing crocheted head wraps. Now that we are headed in to the warmer weather I went looking for a spring alternative, and here it is. I sure hope I can pull it off!

Stand-out style; maybe it's just me telling myself it's ok to be different.


Image sources: Mommy Necklaces

Ricki's

PrettyBabyBowtique

Co-Sleeping: A Tale of Two Babies

The following is the story of our co-sleeping experience as of November 2010 and was originally published in The Birth Vine - a quarterly Journal of Shared Birth and Parenting Wisdom by The Manitoba Association for Childbirth and Family Education. Re-published here with permission.

I have been a mother for going on three years, and I continue to discover on a daily basis that motherhood is something you should go in to with no expectations or assumptions about what the experience with each child will be like. Our children are not carbon copies of each other; they are distinct separate little beings with different personalities and needs.

Our first daughter Desana slept in our bed until she was fifteen months old. It was an economical choice to co-sleep as money was tight and initially we couldn’t afford to buy her a crib. It was a matter of survival as it meant I was able to get the most sleep while she nursed in bed beside me. Once I started working when she was six months old, co-sleeping became our way of catching up on all of the daytime hours we had spent apart.

One of the first things we did after finding out we were pregnant again was to buy a king size bed. We knew that this baby would more than likely be co-sleeping with us again and wanted to have the space for that to be as easy as possible. After Freya was born I decided to try and keep her close by in a bassinet, but after the first few weeks she ended up in bed with us all the time. I also planned to have her in the crib by six months, and here we are now at 10 months, still co-sleeping.

One of the biggest differences between my daughters and our co-sleeping experiences is that Desana would stay latched and nibbling all night, and was extremely unhappy if I tried to get her to sleep unlatched. Freya nurses until she is done then unlatches, rolls over and falls asleep.

Different children, different experiences.

I’m learning that it is ok to have mixed feelings about the mothering experience and the choices you make. There is no clear right way to do things, what works for one parent might go against everything you believe about parenting. It is also ok to change your mind about something if it just isn’t working for you. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt as a mother is that we are all just figuring it out as we go along. It’s ok to not have it all together.

I’ve tried more times than I can remember to try get Freya to sleep in her crib, but in the end my desire to be sleeping always wins out over my desire to be sleeping alone. I enjoy waking up in the morning with my baby next to me, listening to her morning chatter and kissing and tickling her chubby little self. I like being able to place my hand on her for reassurance during the night when I get stricken by the fear that maybe she’s not breathing. I don’t even mind it when her little toes dig in to my back while I’m trying to sleep!

Desana is about to turn three and Freya will be one the month after that. Before I know it she will be much too busy discovering the world to stop for cuddles. I know that she won’t always need me the way that she does now. It probably won’t be this week, perhaps next month, or sometime next year, but sooner or later she’ll be ready to be in her own bed.

I think I can handle co-sleeping for a little bit longer.

Amy Stewart is a mother of two who finds beauty and happiness in her ordinary life at www.happinessisthejourney.com

Yatta! (I did it!)

It felt extremely risky, like I was setting myself up for a huge disappointment. You can look at something and think hey, maybe that will work, but appearances can be deceiving. Still I figured at $9.99 it was worth a shot. So I pulled them on, zipped them up and felt a moment of pure elation. Tried on a second pair, hello again elation! Tried on a third pair and it was too big. Too big!!!

Size 18. I know that by most people’s standards that is an incomprehensibly huge number, but I haven’t been in a size 18 since I was 18 years old. I have had size 14 in mind as an end goal for a long time. I am starting to think that size is not only achievable, but just one milestone along the road.

I’m down two sizes now since the start of the year. Soon I might have the courage to start giving away my ‘fat’ clothes, because I’m not going back there. I say that with a bit of a squeak in my voice because I recognize that I am still at the beginning of a long journey, and relapsing is entirely possible.

Size 18 probably won’t fit just right until I’ve lost another five pounds or so, but I bought two pairs of pants, because again, at $9.99 it’s a bit difficult to pass up. It sure beats the heck out of paying $75 for a pair of plus size jeans.

You know, that means I really never have to shop at another plus size store ever again. Now I can buy tops and bottoms at Ricki’s (my favorite store!). While I still feel a bit like the fat chic in the skinny store, but I guess that is a feeling I’ll be getting over soon.

The elation is a feeling I could happily get used to. I feel it every day after my workout, a big rush of happy endorphins that makes me wonder why I didn’t join the gym years ago.

Image source: Alex Indigo

Sunday Snapshot

What About Me? A Call To Selfishness

"What about me, it isn't fair

I've had enough now I want my share
Can't you see I wanna live
But you just take more than you give."

Shannon Noll - What About Me

It was the night before I went back to work after a four day long weekend. I felt drained and exhausted, as if I needed another long weekend to recover. Depression settled on me like a heavy wet blanket. It dug in so deeply that it was obvious to a co-worker the next day, and it took me several days to shake it off.

I do not like feeling that way and I refuse to accept that as my lot in life so I needed to examine what had happened to bring it on.

I spent the entire weekend doing the tidying and cleaning thing. At the end of the weekend my entire house looked amazing, but I had neglected to look after me.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to experience joy in living. I deserve to be a little less selfless and a little more selfish. What woman hasn't thought what about me?

I know the responsibilities you have, I know it's so much harder than you let on. I know that sometimes you go to sleep wondering how you will make it through the next day. I know this because I feel it too.

Just think about this for a minute; your world will not end if you step away from it for a few hours. What would you do with a couple of hours off from your life? What could you do with as little as fifteen minutes? What does that look like?

gracehesterdesigns

Getting a haircut. Shopping the sales racks. Browsing the bookstore. Looking out the window. Turning up the music until I can't hear the world. Dedicating my lunch hour to going to the gym. Stealing an extra half an hour in the evening to work-out again. Going to bed an hour early to lose myself in a good book. Listening to music while taking a hot shower, and singing along.

I am relaxed. My heart sings. My mind is calmed. My body is soothed. I am happy.

Let's all be a little bit selfish.

Image source: Sheshm

Slowly She Goes

I've been thinking about why it feels so important to rid my home and life of clutter. I wish I had a clear answer but as of right now, I don't. I know that without clutter I feel like a weight is lifted off my chest, and my home feels lighter. I know that when my house is cluttered I can't enjoy the things I want to enjoy, because clutter is a distraction, and a detraction, it is 99 items on a 100 item to-do list.

The good news is that I am still moving in the right direction, if only at a snails pace.

We finally sold our corner cabinet that had been sitting idly on kijiji for months. That paid for our groceries this week.

This past weekend we donated two big bags of items we no longer needed. To be honest those bags had been sitting in my front closet for a few months. I kept making the mistake of looking in them and second-guessing decisions that I'd already made. That darn sentimental guilt is a kicker. But everything is gone now and the house feels a little lighter.

I also made the decision to give up on trying to sell the books we no longer want, and instead asked my friends if they were interested in them. That means that one out of the four boxes of books we sorted through has been set aside for various friends. It makes me happy to know that some of the books will be read at least one more time and not consigned to sit on a dusty shelf in a thrift-store indefinitely.

These are all steps in the right direction. It feels like I have had to shift my mindset. I know since I returned to work I've found myself immediately tackling the tasks I am least looking forward to, simply to get them over and done with. I feel similarly about clutter in that it is a huge daunting task that I could easily push to the bottom of my priority list, but instead I'm just working on it one little bit at a time.

I'm quite happy to take my small victories!

Image source: ArtRocksByKaren on Etsy